Sunday, July 02, 2023

The 5 Stages of Grief - With a view from Christian understanding

The "stages of grief" are a popular framework for thinking about a loss -- and yet their originator Elizabeth Kubler Ross has mentioned parts of her findings are misapplied, where the "stages" do not necessarily occur in a simple straightforward timeline. Some of the "stages" are emotions that may come and go a number of times. Then pop culture includes comedies where these stages of grief are the fodder for jokes, where any part of the journey before acceptance is portrayed as silly (or unhealthy) instead of human. The early stages of grief are uncomfortable -- not just for the griever but for those around, and there are times when bystanders may want to rush someone to acceptance not to relieve the pain of the griever but to deflect the discomfort of being around those who mourn. I'm hoping here for a Christian-informed look at the stages of grief. 

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." (Romans 12:15)

What would be a compassionate view of incomplete grief? Here is a look at the conventional "5 stages" with a side of understanding: 

  1. Shock / Denial: This early stage of grief seems to be the basic reaction, "I need a moment. This is overwhelming. I won't be able to wrap my mind around it all at once." 
  2. Anger: Here the griever is taking stock of unfairness, disappointment, or frustrated plans. Some types of loss hit us in a way that we want to fight, and we feel anger. 
  3. Bargaining: "There has to be a way to ..." Bargaining is ultimately about recognizing what we want, pursuing it as far as possible, identifying what is possible and what is not. In grief, it's meeting the situation with honesty and gentleness -- and with advocacy for those who are hurting. 
  4. Sadness: Recognizing the loss or pain, accepting the validity of sadness, meeting it with compassion. 
  5. Acceptance: Premature claims of acceptance can be an attempt to shortcut around the pain. Accepting a loss is on the other side of feeling the loss. 

Acceptance may be the end of the road -- and as such, it's not possible to start there. On the way to acceptance, being understood is a solid support. 

5 comments:

Phil Snider said...

Thanks for this. I also struggle a bit with this schema for grief because mine does seem especially straightforward either. But then it's only been just under five months for me.

I did find this video helpful though. What I liked what the sense of alternating consolation and struggling which girls my experience so far. See what you think:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=yY2W6oTbemU&feature=youtu.be

Phil Snider said...

Sorry, fits not girls my experience 🙄

Martin LaBar said...

I'm guessing that there's another post coming.

Weekend Fisher said...

Hey Phil

I tried to get the video to play but it's been loading (or claiming that it's loading) for awhile now. Maybe if I let it spin for awhile longer ...

Speaking for myself I'm wondering doesn't "overwhelmed" rate its own stage?

Take care & God bless
Anne / WF

Weekend Fisher said...

Hi Martin

Probably someday, but my thoughts aren't quite organized enough for that yet. Good to see you, always is.

Take care & God bless
Anne / WF