Spiritual Exercises: Put away all bitterness, wrath, and anger (Part 3)

This continues a short series on getting rid of bitterness or resentments. Part 1 describes some ways to identify and become aware of areas of bitterness to show more clearly what we are trying to remove. Part 2 explains how to identify why it bothers us beyond the obvious level (what the other person did) and getting to why it bothers us in a way leaves bitterness (the internal ways it affects us, and the human weaknesses, vulnerabilities, or vanities that cause us to keep a record of wrongs). 

Next we will look at various ways to get rid of bitterness. This relies on our having been honest to this point about what is bothering us and why, getting past the surface level that "the other person was wrong" and having gone deeper into how the events are personal to us.

This post is intended for those who have jotted down their own resentments, and have in hand a list of some people who are resented, what the other person did, and how it affects their own life. For my working example, I'm looking at an example of someone who made fun of me in front of a friend group, and how I see that as a threat to my social inclusion and/or reputation in that group. Equipped with that understanding of the situation, what next? 

For each resentment on the list, consider each of these questions: 

• What is my share in creating the situation?
  This is the time to take an honest look at the answers both about what happened and why it affects me. In my example, my share in creating the situation is that I have doubts about belonging in the friend group. Without that self-doubt, would her actions have actually affected me? 
• What is my share in resolving the situation? 
  This is the time to take a more active role in seeing what can be done about it. When we have resentments, the focus is on the past and on the other person (what the other person did). To get out of resentments, it's useful to think about the future and about what we can do. The worldly approach -- what to do about a resentment -- is to get even, which as a Christian I regard as a temptation. We can expect the temptation to retaliate whenever we are wronged, and may need to set aside a moment to dismiss the first impulse to destructive or pointless actions. Instead, what are the constructive ones? In my example where I have doubts about belonging in the friend group, I could reach out to stay in touch or set up some shared time with others in the group. That would actively address the perceived harm, without stooping to retaliation. 
• Is the other person well, in regards to spiritual and mental health? 
  This is definitely not the time to feel superiority to another person by labeling them as unwell. However, if there is a known situation where the person deserves compassion, this is the time to be honest about it. Another person's situation, regardless of what it is, does not make it okay for them to treat someone badly; but it might make it pointless to be bothered by it. If this situation does not apply to the current resentment then disregard it for the current resentment. But if it does apply, how is it any gain to harbor ill-will towards someone who is unwell? 
• Is the resentment a substitute for security? 
  If the resentment serves a pragmatic purpose -- in my case, reminding me to keep clear of someone who has caused me trouble -- I can do that without the ill-will. 
• Is the resentment causing more harm than good? 
  Nobody feels the weight of the resentment like the person who carries the resentment. It is an emotional burden that interferes with love. It does not interfere only with love for the person who wronged us, but it interferes with love in general because our hearts and minds are crowded with thoughts and feelings that are incompatible with love. Regardless of whether we ever reconcile with the other person, the ill-will disrupts our life in the spirit. 
  

After considering these points, it's recommended to pray. You may already know how you want to pray about it. For anyone who would rather have guidance or suggestions, here's an option: 

Lord, I admit I have bitterness against (name). My own weakness (may name the problem, in my case fear of isolation) has left me vulnerable to harm. My inaction has left things unresolved. My willingness to focus on the problem has been a weed that crowds out love. Lord, I give you the memory of the harm that bothers me, and should it return to mind I give you the memory again. Let your mercy be the measure that I use with others, as you have with me, in Jesus' name. 

Or just the fill-in-the-blank re-usable format: 

Lord, I admit I have bitterness against (name). My own (human vulnerability) has left me vulnerable to harm. My inaction has left things unresolved. My willingness to focus on the problem has been a weed that crowds out love. Lord, I give you the memory of the harm that bothers me, and should it return to mind I give you the memory again. Let your mercy be the measure that I use with others, as you have with me, in Jesus' name.