"Honor your father and mother" vs Going no-contact with parents

There is a trend being promoted by some psychologists for young adults to cut all contact with parents: don't visit, don't call, don't text, don't respond. This is not general advice for all young adults, but for those whose parents are labeled as toxic, immature, or narcissistic. A few months ago a video from Oprah gave space to one of the psychologists leading the charge for children to go no-contact with their aging parents. A counter-argument in Psychology Today pointed out that what was being welcomed as growth was estrangement, and that it denied the idea of an obligatory parent/child relationship. 

I don't believe that "Honor your father and mother" came up in discussion when I watched the Oprah video. Likewise "Honor your father and mother" was not mentioned in the response in Psychology Today. On the one hand, why would psychologists bring up the Ten Commandments and enter into the realm of spirituality and faith? But here we can see true advantages in religion -- yes, organized religion, complete with shared expectations that are not optional. Religion brings a social contract, an essential element of a functioning society. 

The social fabric is messy, complicated, and built one relationship at a time. It takes work. The social fabric is also necessary even at the psychological level. People who lack a sense of belonging tend to have serious struggles with life happiness. When psychologists normalize breaking off key relationships, it is not always to the benefit of the client that they would help. 

What about those parents who actually are immature, narcissistic, or toxic? There are a number of us whose childhoods were marred by parenting that was worse than indifferent. Labeling the parents as a problem is not always too hasty or too convenient; it can also be too true. I speak as someone with experience dealing with parents who had more than the typical faults. I had a brother who went no-contact with the harsher parent, to the extent possible. The result was not his growth and peace but empowering the unhealed wounds to isolate him still. 

The premise of much popular psychology is that a person's primary duty is to their own personal happiness and well-being. Even if we allow that premise for this conversation, the "cut and run" approach can deprive the adult children of learning how to stand up for themselves, learning to define and redefine relationships to insist on the healthy respect due to an adult. It cuts off opportunities to learn and practice a relationship of equals, and to gain that necessary adult skill of insisting on fairness and respect in mature relationships. 

It can be tricky to rebuild the adult-child relationship when both parties are adults. The habit of power with the parent may show up as disrespect for the adult children when the now-adult children need to claim responsibility over their own lives. But this transition to full adults is not optional, and claiming agency in the relationship is not a developmental milestone we can afford to skip. 

For those of us with challenging parents, going no-contact can deprive us of learning how to find our voice and redefine the relationship, and the related practice of steering a relationship onto a healthier course. The lack of those relationship skills can take a toll on those who go no-contact. 

There may be a time and a place to take a break from a family relationship. But a permanent rupture has its own price tag of leaving the wounds unhealed, the skills unlearned, the power to redefine it unclaimed. 

"Honor your father and mother" may not be easy. And it does not mean tolerating abuse. But there is a place in the conversation for leveling up our own skills so that each side is treated with honor and respect. 

Scott Adams' deathbed profession of faith

On the day of Scott Adams' death, he had arranged for a video to be released in which he professed his faith in Christ. 

From one perspective it was surprising: someone who for years had made no secret of his disbelief (antagonism?) toward faith was at the last minute saying that he accepted Jesus Christ as his Lord, at the urging of Christian friends to accept Christ before his death, and so he did. From another perspective it was calculated, and Adams gave voice to that: with a cost/benefit analysis like that, with such a risk/return ratio, it seemed to him worthwhile to profess faith at that time. It was a no-loss proposition. From another angle, it left the appearance of an investor timing his trade: sell stock in 'earth', buy stock in 'heaven'. What's a rational observer to make of all this? 

Minding our own business is a guideline that's worthwhile to keep. I won't be judging his actions, claiming to know his motives, or presuming to gauge his level of sincerity. Likewise, I think we have no business speculating on whether God accepted his profession of faith. God knows his heart and we don't. Neither is there any gain in pointing out sins; Adams has 100% of humanity for company there, and Christ teaches us to go easy on pointing out the sins of others unless we want to find ourselves similarly judged. My part is to bless God's name for creating Scott Adams, and to thank Scott Adams' memory for a career that was characterized by humor and insight. 

The thing that interests me is the timing of the profession of faith -- not because it's unique to Scott Adams' death, but because it's not. This is hardly the first deathbed conversion in history; I've met someone who has that in his pocket as a bucket-list plan. And to some extent the timing makes worldly sense: it's natural to value earthly things less when we can no longer hold onto them, and to value things of the spirit more when they're all we have left. 

And yet that's not quite the calculation we see in many deathbed conversions, Adams' included. Part of the reason people make that calculation on their deathbed is not simply that its urgency is undeniable; there can also be an assessment that we are unwilling to commit while we still have time left on earth. We see it even in professed Christians delaying when they are willing to give up a pet sin. We can postpone the moment when our faith affects our lives until it affects as little as possible. 

When we commit to Jesus as our Lord, we have to change. Humor has to lose its meanness. Sex has to be re-united with love and faithfulness. Affection has to be freed from self-interest. Service has to separate from self-promotion or influence-seeking. Achievement has to lose its one-upmanship. All kinds of things have to become more wholesome versions of themselves, but oh do we enjoy the alloys. And some things like fault-finding have to be given up altogether. We hesitate to commit because we love our sins, and would gladly postpone the moment when we admit what they are. So we convince ourselves that it's fine to be mean, unloving, self-seeking, self-promoting, and so forth, and the actual problem is that God wants us to love our neighbors. That can wait, we persuade ourselves. 

Is there any down-side risk to waiting to convert at the last minute? I believe that's the wrong ultimate question, but I'll mention my thoughts on it before moving on. Many people die unexpectedly; even a sincerely-planned future repentance might become a missed opportunity. And then, if the repentance is intentionally postponed for love of the sin, there is some risk that we aren't quite sincere, if we postpone until there is no earthly test remaining precisely because we would prefer to keep the fault. Best to admit that we're fond of -- even dependent on -- the faults that we use to make our lives more bearable, even if they tend to backfire. 

There is another cost of waiting til death is imminent to take hold of faith, which is walking through the whole of life without it. Postponing faith assumes it interferes with life instead of enriching it. But those who live most deeply in their faith find peace that passes understanding, and the unexpected gift of insight into the mind of God -- and the heart of God. The supposed burden that we avoid by waiting turns out to be loving God with heart, soul, mind, and strength, and loving our neighbors as ourselves. That is a goal that we could rationally, eagerly take up, worthy of a life-long pursuit. It is compatible with any honest and useful vocation. And it makes our lives more genuinely cherishable and worthy of savoring. 

If a deathbed conversion is the plan, if a deathbed confession is worthwhile, then a lifelong confession brings those blessings forward to redeem more of our lives. 

Spiritual Exercises: Put away all bitterness, wrath, and anger (Part 3)

This continues a short series on getting rid of bitterness or resentments. Part 1 describes some ways to identify and become aware of areas of bitterness to show more clearly what we are trying to remove. Part 2 explains how to identify why it bothers us beyond the obvious level (what the other person did) and getting to why it bothers us in a way leaves bitterness (the internal ways it affects us, and the human weaknesses, vulnerabilities, or vanities that cause us to keep a record of wrongs). 

Next we will look at various ways to get rid of bitterness. This relies on our having been honest to this point about what is bothering us and why, getting past the surface level that "the other person was wrong" and having gone deeper into how the events are personal to us.

This post is intended for those who have jotted down their own resentments, and have in hand a list of some people who are resented, what the other person did, and how it affects their own life. For my working example, I'm looking at an example of someone who made fun of me in front of a friend group, and how I see that as a threat to my social inclusion and/or reputation in that group. Equipped with that understanding of the situation, what next? 

For each resentment on the list, consider each of these questions: 

• What is my share in creating the situation?
  This is the time to take an honest look at the answers both about what happened and why it affects me. In my example, my share in creating the situation is that I have doubts about belonging in the friend group. Without that self-doubt, would her actions have actually affected me? 
• What is my share in resolving the situation? 
  This is the time to take a more active role in seeing what can be done about it. When we have resentments, the focus is on the past and on the other person (what the other person did). To get out of resentments, it's useful to think about the future and about what we can do. The worldly approach -- what to do about a resentment -- is to get even, which as a Christian I regard as a temptation. We can expect the temptation to retaliate whenever we are wronged, and may need to set aside a moment to dismiss the first impulse to destructive or pointless actions. Instead, what are the constructive ones? In my example where I have doubts about belonging in the friend group, I could reach out to stay in touch or set up some shared time with others in the group. That would actively address the perceived harm, without stooping to retaliation. 
• Is the other person well, in regards to spiritual and mental health? 
  This is definitely not the time to feel superiority to another person by labeling them as unwell. However, if there is a known situation where the person deserves compassion, this is the time to be honest about it. Another person's situation, regardless of what it is, does not make it okay for them to treat someone badly; but it might make it pointless to be bothered by it. If this situation does not apply to the current resentment then disregard it for the current resentment. But if it does apply, how is it any gain to harbor ill-will towards someone who is unwell? 
• Is the resentment a substitute for security? 
  If the resentment serves a pragmatic purpose -- in my case, reminding me to keep clear of someone who has caused me trouble -- I can do that without the ill-will. 
• Is the resentment causing more harm than good? 
  Nobody feels the weight of the resentment like the person who carries the resentment. It is an emotional burden that interferes with love. It does not interfere only with love for the person who wronged us, but it interferes with love in general because our hearts and minds are crowded with thoughts and feelings that are incompatible with love. Regardless of whether we ever reconcile with the other person, the ill-will disrupts our life in the spirit. 
  

After considering these points, it's recommended to pray. You may already know how you want to pray about it. For anyone who would rather have guidance or suggestions, here's an option: 

Lord, I admit I have bitterness against (name). My own weakness (may name the problem, in my case fear of isolation) has left me vulnerable to harm. My inaction has left things unresolved. My willingness to focus on the problem has been a weed that crowds out love. Lord, I give you the memory of the harm that bothers me, and should it return to mind I give you the memory again. Let your mercy be the measure that I use with others, as you have with me, in Jesus' name. 

Or just the fill-in-the-blank re-usable format: 

Lord, I admit I have bitterness against (name). My own (human vulnerability) has left me vulnerable to harm. My inaction has left things unresolved. My willingness to focus on the problem has been a weed that crowds out love. Lord, I give you the memory of the harm that bothers me, and should it return to mind I give you the memory again. Let your mercy be the measure that I use with others, as you have with me, in Jesus' name. 

Spiritual Exercises: Put away all bitterness, wrath, and anger (Part 2)

Last post, I introduced the idea of a resentments inventory to work on the Biblical direction to "get rid of all bitterness" (etc), Ephesians 4:31, and introduced the first part: making an honest and thorough list of the resentments we're carrying, or specifically the people or groups against which we're harboring bitterness. 

Moving forward, we identify the specific cause of the resentment or ill-will in each case, and from there we find the underlying reason why it affects us in particular. 

Identify the cause of the resentment (external reason)

I will use a real example, starting where we were last week; since this is public I will leave out names and simply list the first person on my list as "Person A" here in public. I avoid the company of Person A out of resentment. So why is it that I resent Person A? For making fun of me in front of our friend group, and showing no regret when I explained that it bothered me. 

Most people have an easy time identifying the external cause: we see that other people are wrong or imperfect in some way, and stop there. When we quickly see that another person did wrong, it's easy to look no further because it's very comfortable to look no further. But the external cause -- blaming other people -- is of no spiritual use to us. We dig deeper. 

Identify the underlying reasons (internal reason)

To dig deeper, I want to identify the underlying reason why it affects me. 

I've heard it explained like this, when someone was angry about someone who "was a complete jerk!" The answer was, "Okay, but why does that bother you? What does that have to do with you?" We don't get angry about someone being a jerk unless it affects us in some way. So how does this one particular person affect us? 

How it affects us involves some self-reflection. Resentment is a temptation to hatred  Any temptation only tempts us to the extent that it finds a weakness. So these underlying reasons show us how we become vulnerable to temptation. We may find that there are human needs, or social vulnerabilities, or unmet goals. These things may not be bad in themselves but do provide an opening through which we can be tempted. So at this point we want to find how exactly the external situation combines with our weakness, desires, etc. to expose us to temptation. 

I'd like to set aside self-blame from this by referring to Jesus' example. When Jesus was tempted in the wilderness, we see the same principle at work. He was hungry so the first temptation used food as the exposure to temptation: would he use his power in a self-serving way? Sure, there were other temptations, even within the bid to get him to turn the stones to bread. But simple hunger will work as an example of how any weakness can expose us to temptation, even the mere fact of being a human who needs to eat. So not every weakness is blameworthy, though we'll want to be honest with ourselves about what we find. 

How does it look in my own example? In the case of "Person A", I find myself affected in my friend group. Keeping my distance from Person A affects other friendships among people that we both know. It also affects our former friendship that I had thought was developing. The temptation, the resentment, is because I feel a threat to my social inclusion and/or my reputation. 

So for any given resentment, the self-reflection is used to become clear about not merely "they were wrong" but about how and why it affects me. This shows me why this particular thing bothers me. I will discover how it causes me discomfort, fear, embarrassment, risk of reputation, risk of friendship or other relationship, risk of income, or any other of the variety of ways we humans are vulnerable. It's helpful to get specific so I can see what's actually bothering me. It's not the external cause; the world is full of people behaving badly. The reason I'm carrying resentment about this in particular is some internal cause, and it's best for me to be honest about where I'm vulnerable. 

So I'd encourage anyone interested in trying this approach to take a piece of paper and jot down a list: name of person I resent, what did they do (external cause), and how it affects me (my vulnerability). 

Next week, I plan to follow up on "Now that we've identified these resentments, what next?"

Spiritual Exercises: Put away all bitterness, wrath, and anger (Part 1)

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander be put away from you, with all malice." - Ephesians 4:31

By shorthand we can refer to all of the above as resentments, or under the umbrella term of bitterness. 

When simply reading this verse, it is likely that a reader takes in either an impression ("Bitterness is bad") or an intention ("I should get rid of bitterness"). But the verse is a call to action, more than good intentions. We may recognize resentments as harmful and intend to get rid of them without having the slightest idea how to do it. We may be embarrassed or frustrated that the good intentions haven't already gotten rid of the resentments. Or we may lack tools to give us awareness of what resentments we have. We could use concrete guidance: how do we actually get rid of resentment? 

There are spiritual tools for that, and those tools have an interesting backstory with deep roots in the Christian faith. Through a church outreach program, these tools went native in the recovery communities where they saw some useful refinements but obscured their Christian roots. Here I hope to bring these spiritual exercises back to their native ground as a time-tested exercise to get rid of resentments. This post presents Part 1, in which we first identify the resentments that will be reviewed. 

First, identify the resentments. On an actual piece of paper, make an actual written list of those we resent, or where we harbor grudges. We may list individuals, principles, groups, institutions -- any or all of them. The criterion for the list is not the identity of the other but simply whether we have bitterness or resentment toward them. Anyone of whom we speak ill, or are happy when others speak ill of them, has earned a place on the list. Anyone of whom we complain or that we scrutinize to find fault has earned a place on the list. Anyone who is a target of our sarcasm or derision has earned a place on the list. 

Beginning with these sentences, list the people, places, groups, institutions, etc towards which I harbor resentments: 

• I am bitter toward ...
• I am angry toward ...
• I talk badly about ...
• I have ill-will toward ...
• I am sarcastic toward ... 
• I find fault with ... 
• I complain about ...
• I am eager to repeat bad reports about ... 

We are not here concerned with judging whether they deserve it or justifying whether we are in the right; few things can be as unhelpful to our own growth as justifying our bitterness by our location in a fallen world. Without any attempt to evaluate whether a resentment is "right" because the other person surely has flaws, we are simply trying for honesty about whether bitterness exists. It may be useful to keep the list handy for a few days or up to a week, so that new people can be added to the list as we notice a resentment in our minds. 

This is a private list; no one should review it without us wanting them to. Likewise if we're aware that someone else is keeping a list, it is vital not to ask for it or attempt to see it, and not to initiate any conversation about someone else's list. 

To be continued ...

Best of the Blogroll 2025

I like to ring in the new year by recognizing blog neighbors whose work enriched my spiritual life, or contributed to growth in understanding during the year. Here are the best-loved posts of 2025:  

• CADRE Comments - BK, one of the founding members of the CADRE, raises awareness of the purported Moses inscriptions and of his hesitations about using it in historical arguments. 
• Common Denominator - Ken Schenck is a prolific writer and self-publisher, but the piece that interested me most this year was a summary of the development of his thought during a year at seminary. 
• Dr Claude Mariottini has maintained a light post schedule this year. His Christmas post is a worthy read: The Prince of Peace: Isaiah's Promise Fulfilled. 
• Forward Progress - Michael Kelley is a prolific poster of edifying content. His post about 4 effects of being rooted and established in love shows his willingness to take seriously the Christian particulars even if they are subject of scorn in the secular world. His post on 3 reasons for Christians to pursue unity again touches on topics dear to my heart and for the witness of Christianity in the world. And he recognizes (and encourages) the quiet consistency of discipleship, and the value of church membership in A Christian without a church is a Christian in trouble. He closes the year reminding us that "[t]he Great Commission is not negotiable; it's not restrictive; it's also just not that complicated" in Go Tell It on the Mountain that Jesus Christ Is Born. 
• Glory To God For All Things - Father Freeman invites us to explore meaning and the nature of communication, understanding, and thought in Truth, Lies, and Icons. 
• Hyperekperissou keeps up a steady stream of book reviews, sometimes touching on themes of the faith. His review of The Mestizo Augustine raises awareness of how multi-culturalism is not new to our current era. 
• Jennica, periodically posting useful material even if not on a traditional blog site, has a useful reference on quotations from the ante-Nicene Fathers from books in the New Testament. 
• Meta's Blog - Joe Hinman, answering atheist objections to the end, posted his response to those atheists who claim that the gospels are myth as his last post before passing away in 2025. Memory eternal, Joe! 
• The Pocket Scroll calls attention to a collection of Maximus the Confessor's Sayings on Love from the Philokalia. 
• Reading Acts often posts on current academic literature in the field of Biblical Studies, for example this book review of Writing and Rewriting the Gospels: John and the Synoptics. 
• Roger Pearse is a standout in the field of ancient manuscripts and related fields. This year he has translated some writings of St Jerome into English for the first time (examples here and here). With his customary thorough research and deep sourcing, he also posted an entertaining piece on the modern origins of the Easter bunny. 
• Sun and Shield - while Martin LaBar prefers to give the spotlight to others with his Sunspots series (nearly to 1000 entries at this point), he also posts original material such as his thoughts on the importance of gratitude, noting that grumbling/complaining makes it onto some Biblical lists of sins. 
• Undivided Looking - Aron Wall prefers his posts in-depth and his analysis meticulous. Buckle up for an in-depth dive into Paradoxes of Theodicy. 

Thank you to all Christian bloggers posting informative, uplifting, and edifying content in 2025, both the pieces I'm aware of and the ones I'm not. Best wishes and blessings for 2026!

What would it take for me to forgive?

"What would it take for me to forgive someone who wrongs me?" is something I've considered at times. For Christians, who see forgiveness as a good thing, forgiveness is still a common struggle. It might be easier if another person showed regret for harming me or treating me unfairly. It would help if such a person apologized. It would be fantastic if someone offered to make up for some of the wrongs they had done. 

Or what if they did none of those things and left the harm exactly as-is, unacknowledged, unapologized, unamended? 

"In this is love: not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent his Son to be the propitiation for our sins. Beloved, if God so loved us, we also ought to love one another." (1 John  4:10-11)

For God, the question was not what hoops must the sinner go through before He retires the grudge. He was not expecting us to repay him. He did not demand our humility. He did not approach reconciliation by hoping for something from us. His thoughts are so far opposite ours that He did not demand what we must do, but offered what He could do, even though the fault was ours. He was willing to cover the cost himself as he rebuilt the relationship before we agreed to do the same. 

The point here is not to try to lecture myself into forgiveness, but to recognize how differently God approaches forgiveness. I hope to allow myself first of all to be grateful for it. I hope that recognition moves me to see the world more as He does. As far as whether I am called to be first to put down the grudge: of course I am, and especially with those who do not know Christ.