God's love in action: finding the approaches that work

Previously in the "God's love in action" series, I'd looked at how Habitat for Humanity works. Specifically, we focused on why their approach seems to be more successful than other approaches to the same problem. This post continues in the vein of looking at largescale solutions not only for good intentions, but for measurable success in tackling the problem. 

I have heard it said that, as Christians, we are not called to be successful; we are called to be faithful. But if "success" is measured in actually helping the people we intend to help, then part of being faithful includes being successful in actually helping people. If we get bad results, then good intentions will require us to try other approaches. 

We don't often think of 12-step groups as a Christian outreach program. But 100 years ago they were exactly that. The leaders in outreach to alcoholics were Christian ministries. And one particular program called "The Oxford Group" was the direct forerunner of Alcoholics Anonymous. 

There's still a lot of spiritual work to be done in addiction recovery. But it has resisted mass solutions, and so far people recover one person at a time. For those who recover successfully, there are several things vital to recovery: a wide support system constructed to provide regular face-to-face contact with people who will listen and care, a dedicated contact person who is more experienced and on call to offer guidance; a roadmap of how to lose the dysfunctional coping skills and gain experience with healthier ones; and the concept of individual responsibility as each person takes ownership for their own life. There is also an expectation that people will "pass it on" and be there for the next person who needs help. All that is woven into a framework where spirituality is welcome and religion is, for many, necessary. 

It surprised me at first to see some things in common between Habitat for Humanity and AA (and other 12-step programs). They both focus on re-attaching people to a community, re-attaching people to a support system. They both focus on learning individual responsibility, but not learning it alone or without help. They both take seriously the need for practice and experience with new skills, for guidance with expectations of growing responsibility. 

We live in a world where there is no shortage of good intentions, but few programs have good results. The approach of building a community with structured responsibility seems to have promise, and it might be worth applying it to other large-scale problems. We have plenty of them. 

Spiritual Exercises: Put away all bitterness, wrath, and anger (Part 2)

Last post, I introduced the idea of a resentments inventory to work on the Biblical direction to "get rid of all bitterness" (etc), Ephesians 4:31, and introduced the first part: making an honest and thorough list of the resentments we're carrying, or specifically the people or groups against which we're harboring bitterness. 

Moving forward, we identify the specific cause of the resentment or ill-will in each case, and from there we find the underlying reason why it affects us in particular. 

Identify the cause of the resentment (external reason)

I will use a real example, starting where we were last week; since this is public I will leave out names and simply list the first person on my list as "Person A" here in public. I avoid the company of Person A out of resentment. So why is it that I resent Person A? For making fun of me in front of our friend group, and showing no regret when I explained that it bothered me. 

Most people have an easy time identifying the external cause: we see that other people are wrong or imperfect in some way, and stop there. When we quickly see that another person did wrong, it's easy to look no further because it's very comfortable to look no further. But the external cause -- blaming other people -- is of no spiritual use to us. We dig deeper. 

Identify the underlying reasons (internal reason)

To dig deeper, I want to identify the underlying reason why it affects me. 

I've heard it explained like this, when someone was angry about someone who "was a complete jerk!" The answer was, "Okay, but why does that bother you? What does that have to do with you?" We don't get angry about someone being a jerk unless it affects us in some way. So how does this one particular person affect us? 

How it affects us involves some self-reflection. Resentment is a temptation to hatred  Any temptation only tempts us to the extent that it finds a weakness. So these underlying reasons show us how we become vulnerable to temptation. We may find that there are human needs, or social vulnerabilities, or unmet goals. These things may not be bad in themselves but do provide an opening through which we can be tempted. So at this point we want to find how exactly the external situation combines with our weakness, desires, etc. to expose us to temptation. 

I'd like to set aside self-blame from this by referring to Jesus' example. When Jesus was tempted in the wilderness, we see the same principle at work. He was hungry so the first temptation used food as the exposure to temptation: would he use his power in a self-serving way? Sure, there were other temptations, even within the bid to get him to turn the stones to bread. But simple hunger will work as an example of how any weakness can expose us to temptation, even the mere fact of being a human who needs to eat. So not every weakness is blameworthy, though we'll want to be honest with ourselves about what we find. 

How does it look in my own example? In the case of "Person A", I find myself affected in my friend group. Keeping my distance from Person A affects other friendships among people that we both know. It also affects our former friendship that I had thought was developing. The temptation, the resentment, is because I feel a threat to my social inclusion and/or my reputation. 

So for any given resentment, the self-reflection is used to become clear about not merely "they were wrong" but about how and why it affects me. This shows me why this particular thing bothers me. I will discover how it causes me discomfort, fear, embarrassment, risk of reputation, risk of friendship or other relationship, risk of income, or any other of the variety of ways we humans are vulnerable. It's helpful to get specific so I can see what's actually bothering me. It's not the external cause; the world is full of people behaving badly. The reason I'm carrying resentment about this in particular is some internal cause, and it's best for me to be honest about where I'm vulnerable. 

So I'd encourage anyone interested in trying this approach to take a piece of paper and jot down a list: name of person I resent, what did they do (external cause), and how it affects me (my vulnerability). 

Next week, I plan to follow up on "Now that we've identified these resentments, what next?"

Spiritual Exercises: Put away all bitterness, wrath, and anger (Part 1)

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander be put away from you, with all malice." - Ephesians 4:31

By shorthand we can refer to all of the above as resentments, or under the umbrella term of bitterness. 

When simply reading this verse, it is likely that a reader takes in either an impression ("Bitterness is bad") or an intention ("I should get rid of bitterness"). But the verse is a call to action, more than good intentions. We may recognize resentments as harmful and intend to get rid of them without having the slightest idea how to do it. We may be embarrassed or frustrated that the good intentions haven't already gotten rid of the resentments. Or we may lack tools to give us awareness of what resentments we have. We could use concrete guidance: how do we actually get rid of resentment? 

There are spiritual tools for that, and those tools have an interesting backstory with deep roots in the Christian faith. Through a church outreach program, these tools went native in the recovery communities where they saw some useful refinements but obscured their Christian roots. Here I hope to bring these spiritual exercises back to their native ground as a time-tested exercise to get rid of resentments. This post presents Part 1, in which we first identify the resentments that will be reviewed. 

First, identify the resentments. On an actual piece of paper, make an actual written list of those we resent, or where we harbor grudges. We may list individuals, principles, groups, institutions -- any or all of them. The criterion for the list is not the identity of the other but simply whether we have bitterness or resentment toward them. Anyone of whom we speak ill, or are happy when others speak ill of them, has earned a place on the list. Anyone of whom we complain or that we scrutinize to find fault has earned a place on the list. Anyone who is a target of our sarcasm or derision has earned a place on the list. 

Beginning with these sentences, list the people, places, groups, institutions, etc towards which I harbor resentments: 

• I am bitter toward ...
• I am angry toward ...
• I talk badly about ...
• I have ill-will toward ...
• I am sarcastic toward ... 
• I find fault with ... 
• I complain about ...
• I am eager to repeat bad reports about ... 

We are not here concerned with judging whether they deserve it or justifying whether we are in the right; few things can be as unhelpful to our own growth as justifying our bitterness by our location in a fallen world. Without any attempt to evaluate whether a resentment is "right" because the other person surely has flaws, we are simply trying for honesty about whether bitterness exists. It may be useful to keep the list handy for a few days or up to a week, so that new people can be added to the list as we notice a resentment in our minds. 

This is a private list; no one should review it without us wanting them to. Likewise if we're aware that someone else is keeping a list, it is vital not to ask for it or attempt to see it, and not to initiate any conversation about someone else's list. 

To be continued ...

Lent Self-Examination - Resentment and Responsibility

Ephesians 4:31   Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. 

Paul's instructions are not hard to understand, but they are hard to do. I can struggle with knowing where to start. It turns out that a resentments inventory is a tool fairly well designed for that purpose. 

For anyone who has never taken a resentment inventory, the first action is simply to make a list. If there is any person, principle, or institution with which we are not at peace and it involves a resentment, the task is to name the person and name the cause of the resentment. One that is done, then we name how the thing resented affects us. 

When looking at my own list, I can see the same trend from the example in the AA fellowship text: a resentment often grows around times when I feel wronged, slighted, or see that my long-term plans are threatened. When practicing self-examination, after the list is made we set aside the other person's role. When left to my own devices, I would never set aside the other person's role. In my own mind, the focus of a resentment is always the person or thing resented. But if our goal is self-examination, then what the other person did is not actually our problem. Granted that another person said unfair things about me; wasn't I prepared to judge the situation for myself? Granted that another person interfered in my plans; why did I allow that to happen? Why it affects us, how it affects us, these are more worthy of consideration. 

I find that I tend to resent people and things that devalue me, with an underlying trend of doubt about belonging, doubt about being valued, and fear of problems that I cannot solve myself. I also hold resentments about things that put my own goals and dreams at risk, again with an underlying fear: that opportunities lost may not be recovered, and some blame-passing about whether I am responsible for ordering my own life. So a step back from the original resentment, and focusing on my own part rather than someone else's, tends to show fear or self-doubt or blame-passing. As long as I am in resentment, I have adopted a passive stance. Looking at the underlying causes opens up some doors out of the situation. 

(To be continued.)

"I am responsible"

There is a sign that generally hangs in 12-step meeting halls: 

I am responsible.

When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there.

And for that, I am responsible. 

Imagine the same principle adopted by people of faith. 

It is some years ago now that I began participating in 12-step meetings again. And as they say, I've kept coming back. In some ways the 12-step groups are a direct offshoot of Christianity, having been born out of "the Oxford Group", a Lutheran minister's outreach to alcoholics in the early 1900's which was founded on explicitly Christian principles. The founders of AA were influenced by that and kept much of the spiritual practice. However, the Christian origins were disguised: instead of "self-examination", the 4th step calls for a "fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves". Instead of "confession", the 5th step walks through admitting "to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." It continues through penance in a more classical sense, where the point of the actions is restoration and healing. There are a number of other disguised Christian practices and beliefs, seen easily enough by those who are familiar with both. 

Where many spiritual practices have fallen out of our culture, those original practices have remained vibrant and strong in 12-step groups. I think it is the core reason why the "twelve steps" -- spiritual exercises based on Christian beliefs -- have been of help in so many different fellowships, and adopted as the foundation for so many recovery and support groups. So this year as we approach Lent, my intent is to take a classic "resentments inventory" as the act of self-examination for this year's solemn season. (Yes, by this point I've done an inventory more than once, including of course the standard resentments inventory. Still, it needs doing again.) 

What Christianity shared with the 12-step groups in the early 1900's, the 12-step groups may yet share again with the Christian community here in the 2000's. 

Growth and Gratitude

This post is a response to blog-neighbor Martin LaBar: Christians are expected to grow.

I'm looking back at the past few years and I have been grateful for a friend's suggestion that helped my spiritual growth. She taught me a simple exercise in gratitude that brought about growth and a changed perspective. It was an easy exercise:

Each day for 30 days, write down 3 things for which I'm grateful. Avoid repeating the same thing when I can. (Another variation of the exercise: exchange texts with a friend who is also doing the exercise.)

I had just come through some very dark times. I'd even been on medical leave at work and had taken a blog hiatus for health reasons. And I was not yet enjoying life again. I didn't know that I had much to be grateful for. But my friend was kind and open rather than bossy; she said she had done the exercise herself and found it helpful. She shared her experience and hope rather than giving advice, and she encouraged me to do it as a personal exercise, to try and see.

The first few days were a struggle against my own anger at my situation. But by the time a week or two had gone by, I was beginning to realize just how much was still good in my life and that my anger was blinding me to it.

I still maintain the exercise, not with the same rigid "3 entries per day" rule as when gratitude was new to me. Still, gratitude often appears as part of my end-of-the-day routine.

I'd be glad to hear of other spiritual growth exercises based anyone else's experiences.

Guilt and Shame: Where religion and psychology meet

I've mentioned before that I've been participating in a Twelve-Step group for people whose parents were addicts. It has come as a surprise to me that shame plays such a key role for children of addicts. Without breaking any confidences, I think it's safe to say that shame is a typical struggle for people who were raised in a dysfunctional home. The varieties of shame, and the fact that it's such a common experience, are beyond anything that I'd have suspected. There is shame over being unwanted / unimportant, shame over things that were said or done to us, shame over the government taking an interest in the parenting in that home, over problems in school, over being hungry or badly dressed or having lice or having the utilities cut off or being from "that home" with the police car flashing its lights outside (again). It's about having so many experiences that can't be repeated in polite company.

Keep in mind that shame is an entirely different thing than guilt. It's easy for someone to offer as consolation:  "It wasn't your fault." True enough, and that would help if the problem were guilt; but that's not the point when the problem is shame. I'll put it like this: almost a year and a half ago, my mom said I could take some of my grandmother's things - a pitcher and some glasses -- from her home over to mine. I could see the potential in the pitcher and one of the glasses, but I wasn't sure I wanted the rest of them. They were filthy. I couldn't imagine ever drinking from them. They were so filthy that I was unwilling to put them in the dishwasher with other plates and glasses, since I didn't think that the dishwasher could manage that level of dirt. I filled the sink with hot water and soaked them, and washed them by hand. After the first wash they were still dripping dirt and the water was too dirty to clean them further. So I emptied the old water and did it again. After the second wash, they were still dripping a little bit cloudy when the second batch of water became too dirty to get them any cleaner. After the third wash, I was willing to put them in the dishwasher. Now that they are clean, I can see that they are actually beautiful. But in their original state, they were beyond ordinary "dirt" issues. They needed a lot of work before they were up to an ordinary level of mess, where they could go in the dishwasher. In that home, the levels of neglect are so profound that anything coming out of there will need remedial work. So at the end of the story: On a human level, shame is when you are so dirty that you can't even go in the dishwasher with the good dishes.

Some kinds of shame are about feeling dirty, some are about feeling unwanted. To heal the wounds of shame, it is necessary to become clean, and wanted, and welcome at the table.

How 12-Step Groups Reach the Unchurched with God's Love

I'm watching someone close to me struggle with addiction. I'm grateful for 12-Step programs because they may be the only place that an unchurched person with that kind of need will ever hear about the love of God. Here are some ways that they reach out:

1. They refuse to engage in divisive controversies so that meeting time can be unifying, and used for edifying. Their dogmas about the nature of God (which they would not call dogmas) are limited to the ones that would foster health and recovery in their members.
2. They meet a felt need.
3. They actively seek to enable people to improve the quality of their lives and their conscious contact with God.
4. They take seriously the need to talk about our struggles, and to gain wisdom from listening to others who have had the same struggles.
5. They value vulnerability in sharing about mistakes, and set up guidelines to prevent that vulnerability from being used as anything other than a bridge to someone who can relate, and a growth lesson.
6. They take seriously the value of people understanding their own life stories, how their lives take shape, how they can recognize what things are under their control, and how they can transform their own lives through knowing God and serving others.
7. They take seriously the value of spiritual direction, generally called "sponsorship" in those groups.
8. They have a large number of seasoned spiritual directors (sponsors). They also have a growing collection of spiritual exercises that are designed to help people through real-world problems such as resentments, a tendency to isolate from other people, difficulty praying, anger at God, repairing relationships, etc.
9. They take seriously the desire for spiritual growth.
10. They take seriously the benefits of spiritual growth to the person who is growing and to the community as a whole.
11. They take seriously the need to define a meaningful goal and offer steps by which someone might reach that goal.
12. They offer both broad guidelines for developing and recognizing growth, and a personal flexibility in what it might take to achieve them.
13. They hold each person accountable for growth, while offering compassion for shortcomings and support for the growth process.
14. They recognize that the 'more advanced' members, including spiritual directors, often need reminding of basic things and provide tools to help with that.

'God As I Understand Him'?

(Continuing my thoughts on a 12-step group for people raised by addicts.) 

If anyone is familiar with 12-step groups, you may be familiar with a move that I think of as "the Twelve Step Two-Step", dancing around the introduction of God, usually by introducing him as "God as I understand him" or "a Higher Power whom some of us choose to call God." Once the two-step is over, the understanding of God is recognizably Christian, with the emphasis on a loving father. The "Our Father" is the closing prayer at many meetings. (The meetings themselves are recognizably liturgical in format, with opening and closing prayers, and a set format in between. Often studies of a group's distinctive 'Big Book' or daily reader replaces Bible study, and readings from the group's literature takes the place of Bible readings.)

"God as I Understand Him" is an awkward phrase. It takes awhile to say, and is complicated compared to simply saying "God". The long form of the phrase is meant to stop arguments about different understandings of God. As I mentioned before, the group does in fact have dogmas: there are some views of God that they would try to change, such as seeing God as indifferent or unloving. Those who are from a dogma-oriented background, who enjoy certainty and precision, may see some risks or hazards in that approach. I'd like to balance that by mentioning some benefits of this approach.

"God as I understand him" focuses our thoughts briefly on a few genuine facts of life, based on the fact that humans are finite, that the sum of human knowledge is still short of divine knowledge:

• My understanding is incomplete
• I have hope to grow and understand more
• I have cause for humility
• I have reason to be open to what others say
• Your understanding is incomplete
• You have hope to grow and understand more
• You have cause for humility
• You have reason to be open to what others say
• People with different understandings can still say things that add to each others' growth

For the purpose of a support group, it seems to be worthwhile to put some limits on dogma (particularly with the current divided state of religion) so that the support group can provide that needed support.

There are those who will see a risk -- or an insult -- in taking ideas derived through the systematic study of theology and presenting them on the same level as any private unstudied opinion. And yet those additional dogmas may offer no gain to the group, for the group's specific purpose.

And again, for me, the passion is for unity on a solid foundation. For the church as a whole, there are churches that are very fond of dogma in general, and of their own dogmas in particular (which they are very sure are correct). There are a few churches that seem to distrust the idea of dogma, on general principle.

What is dogma for, and how far can it go legitimately?

'Spirituality' and 'Religion' - The Role of Dogmas and Fellowship

Lately I have been spending time with a group that is insistent that they are 'spiritual, not religious'. (It's a 12-step group for people who were raised by addicts; they do not like to be identified by name in public if people speak about them.) I'm still pondering exactly what they think 'religion' is -- it seems to mean something different to them than it does to me. (They keep using that word ... )

With their particular brand of spirituality, they claim that they have no dogmas. Dogmas are seen as rigid and divisive, and as something that prevents fellowship. There is some truth to the idea of "divisive dogmas"; while it would be tempting to point out the benefits of definite beliefs here ... it turns out that this group does seem to have definite beliefs, they just don't call them 'dogmas'. Their definite beliefs include that God is loving, that God hears prayer, that God will arrange our lives so that the right people come when we are ready (likewise the right lesson), and that God is a loving Father towards us. So it's not that they have no dogmas, or even that their dogmas are foreign to what a 'religious' person might believe. But they do give priority to different dogmas than is typical in a church.

The dogmas that they give priority --the ones I mentioned above -- are the ones that serve the group's purpose: to reach out to people raised by addicts (or in other dysfunctional homes), welcome them, build a fellowship of mutual support and understanding, and help them heal.

But I find myself wondering: if a group gives priority to the dogmas that are necessary to its purpose, then which dogmas are we (more religious types) prioritizing? How does it play into the endless divisiveness? What exactly is our goal? What exactly are our priorities? Are they God's?

Repentance: Sinners Anonymous?

Most people have at least heard of "Twelve Step" programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. While alcohol may not be the thing we have trouble with, I have to wonder if the general approach would be helpful to other problems. Someone would have a sponsor or mentor, would disciple someone else and be a disciple, would be accountable to someone else for tackling a problem, would meet regularly to support each other. It seems like it might be useful for any spiritual problem that we struggle with.

What would my 12-step group be? Sarcastics Anonymous? Depressive-Thinking Anonymous? Way-Too-Analytical Anonymous? I'm sure the people who know me best could suggest others. There's no reason everyone would have to share the same struggle; we each have our own.

Churches have Bible study groups, prayer groups, fellowship groups, service groups ... why not 12-step groups? Here are the 12 steps, according to Wikipedia, with some very slight changes to make it broader than just alcohol: 

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol sin - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The references to God "as we understood Him" is Christian, if that is how we understand Him.

I didn't have to cross out "alcohol" and "alcoholics" very often; the steps could apply generally to any spiritual struggle. When we try to tackle a spiritual problem, we could really benefit from taking steps #8 and #9 seriously. In order to make a change, we need to open our eyes when our actions harm people and actually set about fixing things. This is is not merely trying to earn favor or get some credit back. It makes us more aware of the effects on those around us, giving us additional incentive to resist. It is also actively unlearning the bad habits, developing a better way, restoring the love, and reconciling the relationships.