Lent Self-Examination: put away "evil speaking"

Lent is a time for self-examination and repentance. Here I would like to focus on part of Paul's instructions that also came to mind last week: 

Ephesians 4:31   Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice.  

The "evil speaking" that I do tends to stay inside my head. That does not make it good. And Paul's observations are on-point: the evil speaking tends to grow out of anger. If someone has caused harm to me or my children, if something or someone threatens my livelihood or attacks my good name, it is natural to feel angry -- and it is good to stop the harm. Fuming inside myself increases the anger and does not address the harm. 

Paul's comments are much like Jesus' own comments on that: 

Matthew 15:18   But those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man.

So the words may stay inside my head and heart, but that's far from the clean heart that we pray for. 

For this week, I plan to focus the self-examination on when any kind of "evil speaking" is on my mind. 

Luke 11:39   And the Lord said unto him, Now do you Pharisees make clean the outside of the cup and the plate; but inside ...

Lent Self-Examination - Resentment and Responsibility

Ephesians 4:31   Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice. 

Paul's instructions are not hard to understand, but they are hard to do. I can struggle with knowing where to start. It turns out that a resentments inventory is a tool fairly well designed for that purpose. 

For anyone who has never taken a resentment inventory, the first action is simply to make a list. If there is any person, principle, or institution with which we are not at peace and it involves a resentment, the task is to name the person and name the cause of the resentment. One that is done, then we name how the thing resented affects us. 

When looking at my own list, I can see the same trend from the example in the AA fellowship text: a resentment often grows around times when I feel wronged, slighted, or see that my long-term plans are threatened. When practicing self-examination, after the list is made we set aside the other person's role. When left to my own devices, I would never set aside the other person's role. In my own mind, the focus of a resentment is always the person or thing resented. But if our goal is self-examination, then what the other person did is not actually our problem. Granted that another person said unfair things about me; wasn't I prepared to judge the situation for myself? Granted that another person interfered in my plans; why did I allow that to happen? Why it affects us, how it affects us, these are more worthy of consideration. 

I find that I tend to resent people and things that devalue me, with an underlying trend of doubt about belonging, doubt about being valued, and fear of problems that I cannot solve myself. I also hold resentments about things that put my own goals and dreams at risk, again with an underlying fear: that opportunities lost may not be recovered, and some blame-passing about whether I am responsible for ordering my own life. So a step back from the original resentment, and focusing on my own part rather than someone else's, tends to show fear or self-doubt or blame-passing. As long as I am in resentment, I have adopted a passive stance. Looking at the underlying causes opens up some doors out of the situation. 

(To be continued.)

"I am responsible"

There is a sign that generally hangs in 12-step meeting halls: 

I am responsible.

When anyone, anywhere reaches out for help, I want the hand of AA always to be there.

And for that, I am responsible. 

Imagine the same principle adopted by people of faith. 

It is some years ago now that I began participating in 12-step meetings again. And as they say, I've kept coming back. In some ways the 12-step groups are a direct offshoot of Christianity, having been born out of "the Oxford Group", a Lutheran minister's outreach to alcoholics in the early 1900's which was founded on explicitly Christian principles. The founders of AA were influenced by that and kept much of the spiritual practice. However, the Christian origins were disguised: instead of "self-examination", the 4th step calls for a "fearless and searching moral inventory of ourselves". Instead of "confession", the 5th step walks through admitting "to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs." It continues through penance in a more classical sense, where the point of the actions is restoration and healing. There are a number of other disguised Christian practices and beliefs, seen easily enough by those who are familiar with both. 

Where many spiritual practices have fallen out of our culture, those original practices have remained vibrant and strong in 12-step groups. I think it is the core reason why the "twelve steps" -- spiritual exercises based on Christian beliefs -- have been of help in so many different fellowships, and adopted as the foundation for so many recovery and support groups. So this year as we approach Lent, my intent is to take a classic "resentments inventory" as the act of self-examination for this year's solemn season. (Yes, by this point I've done an inventory more than once, including of course the standard resentments inventory. Still, it needs doing again.) 

What Christianity shared with the 12-step groups in the early 1900's, the 12-step groups may yet share again with the Christian community here in the 2000's. 

Repentance: Sinners Anonymous?

Most people have at least heard of "Twelve Step" programs like Alcoholics Anonymous. While alcohol may not be the thing we have trouble with, I have to wonder if the general approach would be helpful to other problems. Someone would have a sponsor or mentor, would disciple someone else and be a disciple, would be accountable to someone else for tackling a problem, would meet regularly to support each other. It seems like it might be useful for any spiritual problem that we struggle with.

What would my 12-step group be? Sarcastics Anonymous? Depressive-Thinking Anonymous? Way-Too-Analytical Anonymous? I'm sure the people who know me best could suggest others. There's no reason everyone would have to share the same struggle; we each have our own.

Churches have Bible study groups, prayer groups, fellowship groups, service groups ... why not 12-step groups? Here are the 12 steps, according to Wikipedia, with some very slight changes to make it broader than just alcohol: 

1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol sin - that our lives had become unmanageable.
2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.
5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.
6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.
9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
10. Continued to take personal inventory, and when we were wrong, promptly admitted it.
11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.
12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to alcoholics others, and to practice these principles in all our affairs.

The references to God "as we understood Him" is Christian, if that is how we understand Him.

I didn't have to cross out "alcohol" and "alcoholics" very often; the steps could apply generally to any spiritual struggle. When we try to tackle a spiritual problem, we could really benefit from taking steps #8 and #9 seriously. In order to make a change, we need to open our eyes when our actions harm people and actually set about fixing things. This is is not merely trying to earn favor or get some credit back. It makes us more aware of the effects on those around us, giving us additional incentive to resist. It is also actively unlearning the bad habits, developing a better way, restoring the love, and reconciling the relationships.

Speaking of my blind spots ...

I really have even less excuse than other people. I have sat in a church pew alone on a holiday and watched people file by at the end of a service, heading to full homes and cheerful holiday dinners, while nobody so much as said "Hi" in my direction to the single mom whose kids were away. I would roll my eyes at myself and my seeming semi-pariah status in church. I know what that's like. I wondered (a little self-righteously, no doubt) if they were blind.

I remember when another church member had her husband go overseas on business for a year, and how the church rallied behind her as she tried to raise her children alone for a year. There were sign-up lists for helping her with home repairs and yardwork, sign-up lists for sending supporting emails and phone calls. I thought it was something of a slap in the face to those of us who are alone 24/7/365 but there isn't a similar effort. I vented to on-line friends of the situation -- and was that ever an eye-opener. One person who has never met me told me, very confidently, that the reason nobody was interested in helping me was that I must be the kind of person who never helped others when they were in need. I disagreed, but didn't want to blow my own horn so offered no details. As she continued to insist that I must be a very unhelpful person to draw such cold responses from people, I finally (and against my better judgment) listed various ways in which I helped people in my family, neighborhood, church, and wider community. She did instantly change her approach; she told me that the reason nobody was interested in helping me was that I must be the kind of person who seemed like I never needed help. The one thing I learned from that experience was: if someone doesn't want to help, not only will they not help, but they will also manage to blame the person they're not helping for that decision. Again I wondered (a little self-righteously, no doubt) if they were blind.

So I really do have less excuse than other people. I realized the other day that my old neighbor across the street hardly comes out anymore, and the semi-shut-in next door likewise. And I even found myself powering up the excuse-generator in my mind. The woman next door is far from pleasant; her husband the semi-shut-in is, from medication, partially insane. The old neighbor across the street has never been known to have a conversation without criticizing me and my children and my child rearing skills. And I have to face it: I've been wilfully blind. Am I so lame that I can't walk next door? My neighbor next door is.

Praying to shut down the excuse factory, and stop being blind and lame.

The log in my eye ... a lightbulb moment

I was (very evilly) pondering a piece of theological writing that really set me off. The author had set himself up as The Rational Voice telling two other sides exactly what they were doing wrong, and was just painfully oblivious to his own prejudices. He has several times commented on how much other peoples' Jesus happens to agree with them, and how they never seem to notice. Which always sends my irony-meter through the roof (remember, this is my evil musings here, I get to more edifying stuff soon) -- sends my irony-meter through the roof because he is so clearly oblivious to the fact that his Jesus just happens to agree with him in every way. My snarky-comment generator even considered dubbing his collected writings "Mr. So-and-So's Spec Removal Service" (or Mote removal service, for the KJV fans).

Of course self-delusion only lasts so long. And it finally crossed my mind: the log in my eye is myself. My pride, my ego, my vanity, my desire to be the one who is worth noticing and worth recognizing.

What was it C.S. Lewis said? The real trick for the powers of evil is not putting things in peoples' heads, it's keeping the obvious things out.

What if your profession had been named?

Tax collectors also came to be baptized. "Teacher," they asked, "what should we do?"

"Don't collect any more than you are required to," he told them.

Then some soldiers asked him, "And what should we do?"

He replied, "Don't extort money and don't accuse people falsely -- be content with your pay."

These are some of the conversations recorded between John the Baptist and those who came to be baptized. But I can't help but wondering what he would say to us today. I know most of us could stand to hear, "Be content with your pay." But would there have been more pointed advice for some trades? What if ...

If some lawyers came to him and asked, "What should we do?"

Would he have said, "Do not defend the guilty nor accuse the innocent; seek only justice" and "Do not bear false witness"?

If some car salesmen came to him and asked, "What should we do?"

Would he have said, "Do not take advantage of the widows or the young" and "Do not use dishonest price scales to take extra money from the unwary"?

I know there are other professions that have a reputation for being ethically challenged. But do you wonder what he would have said if he were talking to people of your trade? Here's mine:

If he were talking to programmers, would he have said, "Do not inflate your estimates to avoid an honest discussion on the merits of a project"? Or "Don't abuse your expertise to give misleading answers that suit your convenience"? (You always suspected some of us did. Well, some of us do.)

If your profession had been named, what would have been said to you?

Unforgiven Wrongs: The Breeding Ground of Hatred

Every once in awhile I write a post where the title nearly says it all. It needs to be said, and there it is: unforgiven wrongs are the breeding ground of hatred. Hatred of other people is destructive and sinful. Unforgiven wrongs breed hatred more than my favorite bayou breeds mosquitoes. We live in an age of grievances. We all have grievances. And we live in an age where much work is done towards justifying and maintaining grievances. Why seek to justify a grievance rather than reconcile? It may be that the other person has not recognized right and wrong; but it may be that grievances are useful for getting concessions from other people. That often descends quickly into a kind of dishonest manipulation; the "victim" becomes interested in payback and using the injury as an unassailable position of strength from which to take advantage of the other.

When it comes to grievance-mongering, we should have long since asked: is it worth the price? What are the limits? There's something for us to ponder next time we pull the grievance card: how much are we ourselves the obstacle to better relationships, whether in the private or public realm?

Return good for evil: Forgiveness struggles #2

Last post, I took stock of bitterness and resentment taking root in my life. I asked you all to bear with me, that there was a good purpose to this. As far as rooting out this kind of spiritual poison, Jesus taught some things that, the more I work with them, the more I realize just how practical they are. The first thing is to pray for those who mistreat us. The list of people who get on my nerves is a prayer list. I should pray for them particularly for God's goodness and blessing. I should give thanks for any good in them in particular. I should pray that I have patience and God's Spirit towards them in particular. This probably does more to change my attitude towards them than anything else. Left to my own devices, my "solution" is to grit my teeth at injustice and to hope they see the good in me. Meanwhile I do not see the good in them, and resentment, self-righteousness, and hard-heartedness grow freely. Prayer is the place to start. The second thing is to do for them what I wish they would do for me. It is sometimes difficult to imagine what nice thing I should do for someone who is wronging me -- until I ask myself, "How do I wish they were treating me?" I can easily tell you how I wish they were treating me; that is what I should do for them. That is how to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" for this situation, and how to return good for evil. So below I run through each of the things that are bothering me and try to see how to repay good for evil, and make it my goal to do these things for the people in question.
What's bothering me	As I would have them do to me
For pouncing on every mistake I make, no matter how small, and overlooking anything I do right, no matter how large or difficult For regularly refusing to be more than coldly polite For often refusing to be even coldly polite Although we need to work with each other to get through the day, being pointedly uncooperative and seeming to delight in making things difficult In sum, for treating me unjustly and with seeming hatred no matter what I do	Make sure to notice when they do something right, and if any mistakes must be noticed, notice them with gentleness Be genuinely warm Be cooperative and delight in making things easier In sum, treat her justly and with kindness no matter what she does
For keeping me at arm's length even though we are family For believing every story told about me without checking whether it is accurate For making all Christian holidays unpleasant by pointed, hostile "indifference"	Be welcoming and open Be slow to believe the worst and quick to believe better Make sure never to treat with indifference, instead making a point of appreciating
For avoiding family occasions For rehearsing stories of every wrong thing I've done even back to elementary school, and in front of other people who do not know first-hand whether the stories as retold are fair or accurate; in effect training certain other people to dislike me and getting in low shots when I am unaware and unable to speak in my own defense	Seek out chances to break the ice Rehearse stories of every good thing they've ever done, back as far as I can remember, and in front of other people
For treating a friend of mine as worthless For encouraging this friend to stay unemployed so that she would be justified in ignoring his thoughts on finances and treating him as worthless For putting him in a no-win situation and then blaming him for losing	It's actually more difficult for me to figure out the reversal when it's not me being wronged. Make sure she knows her worth and find ways to acknowledge her worth in front of her Encourage her to do her best as a show of faith that she has something to offer Try to put her in a situation where she can win; avoid harsh blaming and instead build up shared regret over the bad situation
For belittling me, treating me with contempt, and constantly holding over my head the threat of rejection and abandonment For abandoning me in a hundred little ways before finally and officially abandoning me	Treat with respect Set aside coldness and indifference during times we see each other (e.g. exchanging the kids) Be willing to listen and encourage as needed, setting aside bitterness, not returning hostility for abandonment but instead showing steadfastness and kindness without any thought to whether it is deserved (it rarely is) or whether it is appropriate (it is more appropriate than the alternatives)

Getting on my nerves: Forgiveness struggles #1

Struggles with bitterness and resentment aren't really something we Christians talk about very openly. Speaking for myself, I'm embarrassed to have these struggles and these ugly spots in my heart. All the same, every so often I find myself struggling against resentment and bitterness, especially when dealing with various people who have treated me badly. In keeping with Paul's instructions "Get rid of all bitterness" (etc.) I'd originally planned a spiritual Spring Cleaning for Lent. I have now decided that I'd rather not wait for Lent. Bitterness and anger work against love, and are often temptations to hatred. The sooner I address it, the better. I'll have to ask you all to bear with me on this post. It's awfully forthright. It does not exactly show me in the best light, but I decided to post it in the hopes that other people might recognize their own struggles. The list below is not meant to justify my anger; it is simply meant to locate the problem. The next post on the subject will be more edifying, but this one has to come first: tracing down the various roots of bitterness and resentment, and being forthright with myself about the things that I need to address. I'd originally made this list for my own private use by name of each person who has been getting on my nerves. I'm omitting the names in this published version. At first I hesitated to even acknowledge the various resentments that were growing inside me because I wasn't sure what good it would accomplish. I'll show the advantage of making such a list in my next post. It turns out to have been a real help to be specific about not only who was getting on my nerves, but also what, exactly, was bothering me. For now, I just identify resentments: where I struggle with forgiveness and love.
Who's bothering me	What's bothering me
Anonmyous #1	For pouncing on every mistake I make, no matter how small, and overlooking anything I do right, no matter how large or difficult For regularly refusing to be more than coldly polite For often refusing to be even coldly polite Although we need to work with each other to get through the day, being pointedly uncooperative and seeming to delight in making things difficult In sum, for treating me unjustly and with seeming hatred no matter what I do
Anonmyous #2	For keeping me at arm's length even though we are family For believing every story told about me without checking whether it is accurate For making all Christian holidays unpleasant by pointed, hostile "indifference"
Anonmyous #3	For avoiding family occasions For rehearsing stories of every wrong thing I've done even back to elementary school, and in front of other people who do not know first-hand whether the stories as retold are fair or accurate; in effect training certain other people to dislike me and getting in low shots when I am unaware and unable to speak in my own defense
Anonmyous #4	For treating a friend of mine as worthless For encouraging this friend to stay unemployed so that she would be justified in ignoring his thoughts on finances and treating him as worthless For putting him in a no-win situation and then blaming him for losing
And just for good measure, Anonmyous #5 -- some older stuff that still bothers me sometimes	For belittling me, treating me with contempt, and constantly holding over my head the threat of rejection and abandonment For abandoning me in a hundred little ways before finally and officially abandoning me
In the next post: what good can possibly come from opening that can of worms.