Security Outsourcing Program To Save Billions

Note: This post, like my other special post for today, was drafted well before last year's presidential election and is not a comment on any specific administration, past or present. The issues are perennial ...

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The White House, seeking cost-cutting measures in the midst of the current economic crisis and projected budget shortfalls, has looked to the business world for effective methods of combating the expected revenue shortage.

"Outsourcing seems to be one of the most cost-effective measures available," an administrative spokesperson said, speaking on condition of anonymity. "The administration is dedicated to reducing our expenses and our outlay. Defense is very labor-intensive, particularly suitable for outsourcing."

The administration accepted several sealed bids for the Department of Defense contract. "It is nonsense to assume we would entrust our country's security to the lowest bidder. We did nothing of the sort. As a matter of fact, the lowest bidder for the U.S. border defense contract was Pakistan. But we had some uncertainty about the training program, wasn't entirely ISO-9001 certified. We've accepted the bid from China instead."

The spokesman quickly put down doubts about whether the Chinese army would make our land more secure. "We will not tolerate racism. The Chinese have an excellent military apparatus; honestly it's probably superior to ours. Why wouldn't we want them defending our borders? We want the best!" Several hundred thousand troops were expected to arrive in stages over the next few months. "It's quite a bargain. I believe they're sending even more troops than our contract called for. You always get an excellent value when trading with China."

If this program is the resounding success that the administration expects, it will consider outsourcing other departments. "Homeland Security has been particularly expensive, as has Internal Revenue. We're looking for more cost-effective options," the administration maintained. "Look for further programs to follow this first initiative: Allies Providing Resources 1 (APR-1)."