Spiritual Exercises: Put away all bitterness, wrath, and anger (Part 2)

Last post, I introduced the idea of a resentments inventory to work on the Biblical direction to "get rid of all bitterness" (etc), Ephesians 4:31, and introduced the first part: making an honest and thorough list of the resentments we're carrying, or specifically the people or groups against which we're harboring bitterness. 

Moving forward, we identify the specific cause of the resentment or ill-will in each case, and from there we find the underlying reason why it affects us in particular. 

Identify the cause of the resentment (external reason)

I will use a real example, starting where we were last week; since this is public I will leave out names and simply list the first person on my list as "Person A" here in public. I avoid the company of Person A out of resentment. So why is it that I resent Person A? For making fun of me in front of our friend group, and showing no regret when I explained that it bothered me. 

Most people have an easy time identifying the external cause: we see that other people are wrong or imperfect in some way, and stop there. When we quickly see that another person did wrong, it's easy to look no further because it's very comfortable to look no further. But the external cause -- blaming other people -- is of no spiritual use to us. We dig deeper. 

Identify the underlying reasons (internal reason)

To dig deeper, I want to identify the underlying reason why it affects me. 

I've heard it explained like this, when someone was angry about someone who "was a complete jerk!" The answer was, "Okay, but why does that bother you? What does that have to do with you?" We don't get angry about someone being a jerk unless it affects us in some way. So how does this one particular person affect us? 

How it affects us involves some self-reflection. Resentment is a temptation to hatred  Any temptation only tempts us to the extent that it finds a weakness. So these underlying reasons show us how we become vulnerable to temptation. We may find that there are human needs, or social vulnerabilities, or unmet goals. These things may not be bad in themselves but do provide an opening through which we can be tempted. So at this point we want to find how exactly the external situation combines with our weakness, desires, etc. to expose us to temptation. 

I'd like to set aside self-blame from this by referring to Jesus' example. When Jesus was tempted in the wilderness, we see the same principle at work. He was hungry so the first temptation used food as the exposure to temptation: would he use his power in a self-serving way? Sure, there were other temptations, even within the bid to get him to turn the stones to bread. But simple hunger will work as an example of how any weakness can expose us to temptation, even the mere fact of being a human who needs to eat. So not every weakness is blameworthy, though we'll want to be honest with ourselves about what we find. 

How does it look in my own example? In the case of "Person A", I find myself affected in my friend group. Keeping my distance from Person A affects other friendships among people that we both know. It also affects our former friendship that I had thought was developing. The temptation, the resentment, is because I feel a threat to my social inclusion and/or my reputation. 

So for any given resentment, the self-reflection is used to become clear about not merely "they were wrong" but about how and why it affects me. This shows me why this particular thing bothers me. I will discover how it causes me discomfort, fear, embarrassment, risk of reputation, risk of friendship or other relationship, risk of income, or any other of the variety of ways we humans are vulnerable. It's helpful to get specific so I can see what's actually bothering me. It's not the external cause; the world is full of people behaving badly. The reason I'm carrying resentment about this in particular is some internal cause, and it's best for me to be honest about where I'm vulnerable. 

So I'd encourage anyone interested in trying this approach to take a piece of paper and jot down a list: name of person I resent, what did they do (external cause), and how it affects me (my vulnerability). 

Next week, I plan to follow up on "Now that we've identified these resentments, what next?"

Spiritual Exercises: Put away all bitterness, wrath, and anger (Part 1)

"Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander be put away from you, with all malice." - Ephesians 4:31

By shorthand we can refer to all of the above as resentments, or under the umbrella term of bitterness. 

When simply reading this verse, it is likely that a reader takes in either an impression ("Bitterness is bad") or an intention ("I should get rid of bitterness"). But the verse is a call to action, more than good intentions. We may recognize resentments as harmful and intend to get rid of them without having the slightest idea how to do it. We may be embarrassed or frustrated that the good intentions haven't already gotten rid of the resentments. Or we may lack tools to give us awareness of what resentments we have. We could use concrete guidance: how do we actually get rid of resentment? 

There are spiritual tools for that, and those tools have an interesting backstory with deep roots in the Christian faith. Through a church outreach program, these tools went native in the recovery communities where they saw some useful refinements but obscured their Christian roots. Here I hope to bring these spiritual exercises back to their native ground as a time-tested exercise to get rid of resentments. This post presents Part 1, in which we first identify the resentments that will be reviewed. 

First, identify the resentments. On an actual piece of paper, make an actual written list of those we resent, or where we harbor grudges. We may list individuals, principles, groups, institutions -- any or all of them. The criterion for the list is not the identity of the other but simply whether we have bitterness or resentment toward them. Anyone of whom we speak ill, or are happy when others speak ill of them, has earned a place on the list. Anyone of whom we complain or that we scrutinize to find fault has earned a place on the list. Anyone who is a target of our sarcasm or derision has earned a place on the list. 

Beginning with these sentences, list the people, places, groups, institutions, etc towards which I harbor resentments: 

• I am bitter toward ...
• I am angry toward ...
• I talk badly about ...
• I have ill-will toward ...
• I am sarcastic toward ... 
• I find fault with ... 
• I complain about ...
• I am eager to repeat bad reports about ... 

We are not here concerned with judging whether they deserve it or justifying whether we are in the right; few things can be as unhelpful to our own growth as justifying our bitterness by our location in a fallen world. Without any attempt to evaluate whether a resentment is "right" because the other person surely has flaws, we are simply trying for honesty about whether bitterness exists. It may be useful to keep the list handy for a few days or up to a week, so that new people can be added to the list as we notice a resentment in our minds. 

This is a private list; no one should review it without us wanting them to. Likewise if we're aware that someone else is keeping a list, it is vital not to ask for it or attempt to see it, and not to initiate any conversation about someone else's list. 

To be continued ...

Why I can find grudges appealing (not advocating them, but being honest about them)

Since Lent is the season of repentance, I'll own one of my struggles: I know how to carry a grudge. As I try to put down certain grudges, I am learning an uncomfortable thing: I am carrying certain grudges because I don't want to let go of them. In some cases there was irreparable harm done to someone, whether myself or others close to me. Letting go of that kind of grudge seems like letting go of the fact that the "bad guys" got away with it. Isn't it easier to forgive the villain if the villain has been caught and humbled? I do not have the same reaction to a villain who is successfully masquerading as an angel of light. 

If the reader has no comparable experiences, consider the famous grudge pursued by the movie character Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride. He watched someone kill his father; he was too little to do anything about it. His grudge was based on the certainty that his father was worth avenging, that killing his father was wrong, that wrong deserved to be challenged and stopped. In some of the grudges I struggle with, I have not yet found how to let go of the grudge while holding onto the certainty that wrong deserves to be challenged and stopped.

Not all of my grudges are about irreparable harm. I also find it hard to release a grudge if I expect the wrong will happen again, or if the wrong was intentional, for example if there was spite involved.

In different ways, the same point comes up: some grudges feel like unfinished business: like the work that comes before forgiveness is not complete. For now, the best I have found is to notice the common threads, and give voice to what needs saying. I'll stick with the fictional example and name what is true for the people involved: Inigo's father did not deserve to die; he deserved better. The person who killed him did wrong, deserved to be ashamed of his actions, and deserved to be held accountable for his actions. I wonder, how much is that groundwork part of the distinction between being forgiven and getting away with it. What of Inigo; did he deserve the obligation of righting that wrong? Is it a bad or good thing to have that obligation?

Prayer: Lord, grant me discernment to forgive truly, to speak honestly, to set aside any mere resentment or bitterness, and to do unto others as I would have them do toward me.

The letter to the Galatians as an example of spiritual direction

I have wondered sometimes, "Is there a good example of spiritual direction in the Bible?" For all the talk about spiritual direction, I still sometimes wonder: does this have anything to do with what Jesus asked of us, or what any author in the Bible asks us to do? How Biblical is spiritual direction, really? And do we have any Biblical examples to use as a standard so that we can check if others go astray from that, or fall short, or are right about what that direction should be?

Chalk it up to another episode of missing what is right in front of me, but it took me awhile to realize that many of the letters in the New Testament are intended to be spiritual direction. That is, they are meant to instruct people on how best to live our lives in light of what Christ has done.

What happens if we look at one of the epistles as a crash-course of spiritual direction from Paul to his readers? What were Paul's priorities? What were the first lessons they needed? Looking at the letter to the Galatians, here's what I see:

1. The most vital thing, given first priority, is to make sure they understand the good news of Christ. He explains from many and various angles why this message is to be trusted, and the message is that our righteousness consists in trusting God's righteousness that is revealed in Christ. Roughly half the epistle is devoted to this, and nothing else is considered until this has been firmly grasped.
   
2. There was a strong warning given against false rules and false religiosity, against the "keeping up appearances" kind of religion, or the "earning our righteousness" kind of religion, or the "keeping the holiness code" kind of religion. He tries to get them to see religion in a new way, not as a matter of keeping the law but of living as children of God.
   
3. He challenges them to see the law as fulfilled in this: loving each other. He challenges them on whether, with all their rules and observances, they have actually loved each other.
   
4. He instructs them on recognizing the works of our sinful nature, the sinful acts, attitudes, and outcomes that have no place in a Christian life. He challenges the people to "crucify" those. His listeners lived in an age where crucifixion was a reality, not a historical curiosity. We might have the same reaction if we were told to give our sinful nature a lethal injection, or to put our sinful nature in the electric chair. We remember the cross as where we meet Jesus, where we seek his place at the heart of the matter. But we remember the cross with an understanding of what Paul meant: our sinful nature is not to be given amnesty, but executed, to die with Christ.
   
5. He instructs them on what a spirit-filled life looks like. He describes a goodness that fulfills and surpasses the law without giving itself a pat on the back for how favorably it tallies against the law, without trying to justify itself by what it does, without trying to condemn or show up anyone else by comparison.
   
6. He shows them how, as a community, to work together when there is sin. He shows them the particular temptations that come for the corrector: to be arrogant or conceited or harsh, to be self-deceived about his own status, or to be ungenerous toward another's burdens. He shows them the particular temptations that come for those who steadily persevere: to grow tired of doing good.
   
7. He explains how each person has the responsibility to test his own actions.

I know more of the epistles and much of the New Testament could be re-read from that same point of view. What I hope is that eventually we can answer this question: what are the Bible's instructions about our spiritual formation? Paul already gives a short answer here: to become children of God, to clothe ourselves with Christ.

Psychology or Spiritual Direction? Part 2

Spiritual direction is a Christian discipline which shares some things in common with traditional counseling, but opens up more specifically Christian approaches and goals. While counseling is typically problem-oriented, spiritual direction is geared towards spiritual growth for anyone seeking a deeper or more active devotion and service to God.

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Have you ever thought about the relationship between the counselor and the client in typical counseling? Let's say you start with a client who is basically struggling to relate to people in a normal and healthy way. Then you approach the problem by adding a key relationship -- that with the psychologist -- that is not in any sense a typical relationship. It is one-sided: the client has the problems and comes for help, the counselor keeps a professional distance. The client reveals secrets and gets vulnerable, the counselor hides behind a professional mask. Whatever that counselor/client relationship may be, it is not a friendship. It does not give the other person experience relating to people in a normal way; it does not build ties of friendship or fellowship. Because of that, it may not actually be what that person needs the most. It may even be a co-dependent sort of relationship. The client can alleviate his need for someone to trust and someone to talk to; the counselor meanwhile can be needed and can be an important part of someone else's life without the risk or the vulnerability of showing his or her own faults. There is a risk that counseling may deepen the habit of imbalanced, one-sided or needy relationships for the person seeking help.

In reading some of the literature on spiritual direction, I have kept an eye in particular on the types of relationships involved. I think it is a fair question whether "counselor/client" is a relationship on a Christian model. I am not saying that Christians can't make good use of a counselor/client relationship; I am saying that a traditional counselor/client relationship is less than it could be if counseling were approached from a thoroughly Christian model. On a Christian model, "one-sided relationship" is a contradiction in terms. I think there's a possibility for spiritual direction to be more along the lines discipleship, mentorship or even spiritual friendship. While counseling could be a help to some other area of life from which counseling and the counselor are safely removed, discipleship or spiritual friendship could itself be a part of that better life which it was helping to build.

If the goal of counseling is often to resolve certain problems, the goal of spiritual direction would be to build a Christian life. The relationship with the psychologist is meant to be outgrown when the client gains a certain level of health. There is a risk that counseling is at best a throw-away relationship, and at worst an embarrassed secret or a stigmatized relationship that in the long run could weaken a person's self-confidence. The relationship with a spiritual director might change from mentor to friend, but would deepen rather than being abandoned as each person grows in maturity.

Psychology or Spiritual Direction? Part 1

I majored in psychology at school, but did not give it serious thought as a career. Psychology as a field was never quite what I wanted it to be. It left too many important areas of life untouched, not as beyond its reach, but as beneath its dignity.

The first broad mistake that bothered me in psychology is the tendency to take a human being and turn him or her into an object for scientific study. The way in which the literature draws parallels between human beings and lab rats tells its own story. Yes, I'm aware that you can take studies about lab rats and leverage that to learn something about human beings, and I think that leveraging this knowledge usefully is a good thing. The objection comes when a researcher looks at another human being and sees only statistics to be measured and responses to be manipulated, and in that way does not see any fundamental difference between a human and a rat.

Yes, I'm aware that there are psychologists and psychiatrists who understand about people being people, and that they are probably in the majority; that's not my point. My point is that there are those in the field who simply don't understand it, that there is no requirement in order to be a member of the field that you must see human beings as human beings. And again, I do not object to studying people -- it's a worthwhile pursuit. But there is a type of study that has only an incidental interest in the humanity of the people being studied; this kind of study is dehumanizing. And it seemed to me that if psychology were to pay off the dividends that it promises for humanity, the least it could do is to make the world more human, not less. While a great many people in the field understand that, there is not exactly a Hippocratic Oath required for people in the field: first of all in the humanities, remember you are dealing with humans.

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To be continued ...

Discerning God's Will

I've recently been reading an introductory book on spiritual direction. One of the major topics covered is discerning God's will (usually rendered as "God's Will" with double capitals in the book). How do we discern God's will for our lives?

In itself, considering God's will is a good thing. Unfortunately, the current book's advice on discerning God's will does not have any depth on the most basic of all advice on God's will: loving God and neighbor. The author paints a picture of earnest and devout souls pouring themselves out in prayer in hope of finding that they have a commission for a Great Service, and scrutinizing every stray thought for a wisp of Holy Spirit that might lead them to what their Great Service should be.

The author shows some understanding that we humans are capable of self-deceit and self-delusion. But there seems little recognition that a great many Spiritual Quests are themselves somewhat self-deluded. God's general will is already revealed to us, from the negatives of not hating and not lusting to the positives of forgiving, loving, helping our families, helping our neighbors, greeting our enemies, and so forth.

C.S. Lewis once mentioned that it is easier to pray for a bore than to go visit him. Self-deceit enters our religious life when we pray for God to do what God has asked us to do. Nobody gets an additional assignment while refusing their original one. As the Scripture says, whoever handles a small trust well will be entrusted with more; whoever does not handle a small trust well will not be entrusted even with that. The Bible's advice on choosing good leadership is much the same: find people who have already done a good job with their families, who have already learned the basics and have already handled that trust well. They have built the necessary skills -- and shown the necessary faithfulness -- to be trusted with more. For our own lives, we have already been entrusted with certain small things that are within our grasp, things that are revealed in the Bible and are God's will for us all.

Someone on their knees, praying to know God's will (they would do it if only they knew it, they suppose), but ignoring their sick neighbor, not reconciling with their own families, harboring a grudge against the rude fellow at the office, and refusing be kind to their enemies -- and yet praying to "know God's will" -- this person's prayer to know God's will is not entirely sincere. The picture I had from the book was not so much of a noble soul praying, "Anything, Lord; anything", but of a would-be noble soul who did not want to love and serve the people he already knew, praying, "Anything but that, Lord; anything".