Why I can find grudges appealing (not advocating them, but being honest about them)

Since Lent is the season of repentance, I'll own one of my struggles: I know how to carry a grudge. As I try to put down certain grudges, I am learning an uncomfortable thing: I am carrying certain grudges because I don't want to let go of them. In some cases there was irreparable harm done to someone, whether myself or others close to me. Letting go of that kind of grudge seems like letting go of the fact that the "bad guys" got away with it. Isn't it easier to forgive the villain if the villain has been caught and humbled? I do not have the same reaction to a villain who is successfully masquerading as an angel of light. 

If the reader has no comparable experiences, consider the famous grudge pursued by the movie character Inigo Montoya from The Princess Bride. He watched someone kill his father; he was too little to do anything about it. His grudge was based on the certainty that his father was worth avenging, that killing his father was wrong, that wrong deserved to be challenged and stopped. In some of the grudges I struggle with, I have not yet found how to let go of the grudge while holding onto the certainty that wrong deserves to be challenged and stopped.

Not all of my grudges are about irreparable harm. I also find it hard to release a grudge if I expect the wrong will happen again, or if the wrong was intentional, for example if there was spite involved.

In different ways, the same point comes up: some grudges feel like unfinished business: like the work that comes before forgiveness is not complete. For now, the best I have found is to notice the common threads, and give voice to what needs saying. I'll stick with the fictional example and name what is true for the people involved: Inigo's father did not deserve to die; he deserved better. The person who killed him did wrong, deserved to be ashamed of his actions, and deserved to be held accountable for his actions. I wonder, how much is that groundwork part of the distinction between being forgiven and getting away with it. What of Inigo; did he deserve the obligation of righting that wrong? Is it a bad or good thing to have that obligation?

Prayer: Lord, grant me discernment to forgive truly, to speak honestly, to set aside any mere resentment or bitterness, and to do unto others as I would have them do toward me.

Another Celebrity Self-Destructs .. Can We Re-Think Celebrity Culture?

This last week saw another celebrity suicide with Chester Bennington of Linkin Park. And it has become disturbingly routine for the rich and famous to take themselves out of the game before their time, either on purpose or with an accidental self-destruction through an overdose on drugs and alcohol.

I'm not sure when idolizing the famous became such a large part of our culture. I suspect the seeds were always there, and grew along with the reach of fame as world-wide audiences were possible. The loss of life is tragic. How much of the problem traces to celebrity-culture with its impossible demands for performance, beauty, energy and perfection? How much of it is the fleeting nature of fame, where the size of the talent pool results in so many "flash-in-the-pan" careers? (How many articles feature less-than-kind follow-ups on ex-celebrities: "Where are they now?" "You won't believe what they look like these days!" "Why won't anyone hire them anymore?") Some of it is the entertainment industry's pursuit of novelty and edginess, and as the frontier of edginess is pushed ever farther, some people selected for celebrity may be less grounded or stable, less able to deal with the stress, scrutiny, and instability of the industry.

And it can't be healthy for the consumers of the culture, when the culture is produced by -- and built on the lives of -- people who ultimately reject the worth of life itself. A few haunting times since the death of Amy Winehouse from alcohol poisoning, I've heard the song in which she sang about turning down rehab. Given what happened to the artist, why are we still playing that song? And part of the problem is that we've become consumers of culture, not so much participants in it. It's too easy to live vicariously through performers, too easy to go along with unreasonable expectations being placed on a performer, or finding someone who will voice our brokenness and at what point does it become taking advantage of them?

I've been mulling over whether there is anything we can do. The ideas below are tentative as I struggle with what we can do; there are ideas both what we can do to help celebrities and to help with the impact on the rest of us. I wonder whether it would help to:

• Not buy tabloids that exploit the stress or misery of performers
• Not follow click-bait links to articles that are vulture-like in dealing with lost careers
• Call for ethical standards for media coverage of public figures
• Call for better working conditions (hours/schedules) for performers
• Encourage everyday people to have more real friends than imaginary ones, which should be a healthy step even if every celebrity were mentally-healthy and a good role model

Across the divide: Are there benefits in private confession?

When we look at divisions in the church, what do we think of? For me, it's easy to focus on areas where I would want other groups to see the advantages of my own point of view. (Do we want others to see the errors of their ways because it confirms that we are right?) But what if I looked at the other side? What if there are advantages to someone else's point of view?

With that in mind, I wanted to take a look at the practice of Confession. Some people may not belong to groups that practice confession at all. So consider what happens to us -- or to someone we love -- after doing something truly inexcusably wrong.

If a wrong is defended, it becomes a living part of us.
If a wrong is excused, it is accepted and will be repeated.
If a wrong is ignored, it stays with us.
If a wrong is rejected, only then does it leave us.

We would do well to forgive ourselves only after we have rejected the wrong, not before. 


While some Protestant groups have confession, it is unusual for it to be private confession. It is more often a public confession in which common sins are discussed at a common level. That is to say, it's awfully generic -- possibly too generic for us to receive the full benefits of actually confessing and rejecting our own particular faults. The Roman Catholics and Eastern Orthodox still commonly have private confession.

So, what are the benefits of private confession? It allows us to see -- more, confronts us with -- the realities of our own character. We gain in both honesty and humility. We lose arrogance and gain perspective. It builds our compassion for others, renews our relationships and directs us towards healing and reconciliation. And if there is a confessor -- someone who hears our confessions -- that person can hold us accountable in the future. With forgiveness, there is cleansing and renewal. We cannot "come clean" without acknowledging that we were wrong.


"If we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive our sins, and cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

On the other side of the divides in our churches, there are things we can learn from each other.

What is the most destructive force on the human mind?

I have been watching some people near-and-dear to me self-destruct lately. It is a terrible thing to see loved ones self-destructing, or trying to destroy each other. And it is hard to get untangled from a group that has turned on itself. I'm trying to get my head wrapped around all the drama here. In the mind of each of the people self-destructing or trying to destroy someone else, one of the others in that group is the villain. There is no doubt that each of them has played the villain in the others' lives -- sometimes really savoring the role, too.

But -- including all of humanity here -- what turns us into villains? The current contenders in the local drama are: 

• Addiction
• Hatred
• Vengefulness
• Self-righteousness
• Pride
• Greed

It's hard to pick the single most destructive thing. Is self-righteousness the enabler for vengefulness and hatred? And one thing that troubles me: the people who are acting in spite are completely sure that they are in the right. And then there is hatred, the foundation for so many evil acts. Is "vengefulness" -- the desire to hurt someone else -- really anything but another name for hatred? But "vengefulness" makes a claim to being right. It uses the victim card to claim unlimited reparations or retaliation. Does it take self-righteousness to give moral top-cover to cruelty?

We're all of us prone to justify our own mistakes. We want to be good and right, and that tendency can be corrupted. We've all known that temptation to justify a mistake rather than admit it. And if we have someone waiting to pounce on a mistake, we are less likely we are to admit it because the price tag is so high.

It's so easy for someone to appoint themselves the Accuser for someone else who has wronged them. In the Bible, the Accuser is a title for Satan. Do we willingly take up that role?

I see so many things that I consider to be poisons. The antidotes are love, humility, and forgiveness. But is it possible to reach someone who is caught up in a spiral of escalating vindictiveness? Can they even see that, in their determination to top the other person, they are poisoning themselves? I've said it before and will likely say it again: We cannot dehumanize other people without dehumanizing ourselves.

"Reinstating Peter" - as a pattern for forgiveness

On the night of Jesus' arrest, Peter denied three times that he knew Jesus. This was right before Jesus' execution. After Jesus' death, after his resurrection, he met his disciples by the sea again -- and he asked three times, "Simon, do you love me?"

Some see this as Jesus reinstating Simon Peter. No doubt that Peter was accepted again, and forgiven, still a disciple of Jesus, still beloved. But we also see Jesus going out of his way to present Peter with a chance to restore things, a chance to take back what he did, a chance to do what he wished he had done. Jesus could have said, "I forgive you" and left it at that. He could have said it three times, if he wanted to bring home the message that this was in answer to Peter having denied him three times, and it was fully forgiven. There are all kinds of ways that Jesus could have reinstated Peter. He chose to do it by giving Peter his dignity again, by letting Peter do something good and have a hand in restoring things between them. Jesus made it very simple for him; Peter could hardly have missed.

It's really easy for forgiveness to be condescending; that restores nothing. Sometimes the "forgiving" person actually humiliates the person they claim to forgive; that kind of "forgiveness" is more an act of revenge than an act of love. Jesus' forgiveness was genuine and welcoming, even presenting Peter with a chance to look back gladly about what he himself had done (though he didn't seem to realize it at the time). Peter didn't create that opportunity; Jesus handed it to him.

There are so many things that need restoring in my life that I'm hoping I can figure out how to follow Jesus in this. Just imagine all the currently-broken relationships: what if people could look at each other without resentment or shame?

Norton Anti-Virus for the Soul

Yesterday morning as the first day of Lent began, I remembered the plan I had made the night before: Since I hadn't yet decided what to give up for Lent, I would then focus on ridding my life of the first sin I did the next day. I figured the first sin of the day is probably something habitual, so it would be a fine choice.

Naturally I wasn't even out of bed yet before my first thought went astray. It was harshness, a kind of self-directed bitterness. Sure, I've been in the middle of yet one more ridiculous busy season at work. But it was getting to me. The thoughts inside my own head were turning nasty. I told myself, "It's no use job-hunting: even if I succeeded in finding something else in this economy, the only thing that would change would be the name of the person whose unreasonable demands I'd have to satisfy." (Content warning, obviously. Not healthy thoughts.) There were a dozen more trains of thought, regularly occurring, that were just as nasty if not worse. "It's just a way of venting" I told myself. But it was a way that made the frustration worse by adding hopelessness and resentment to everything else going on.

"Get rid of all bitterness, anger, rage ... malice ..." (Eph 4:31)

"The things that come out of the mouth come forth from the heart and defile a person." (Matt 15:18)

"Out of the overflow of the heart, the mouth speaks." (Luke 6:15)

And so Lent is starting out like running an anti-virus on my mind. I've identified several repeated trains of thought that are now stopped in their tracks before they really get going. I suppose those problems are "isolated" but not yet "removed". And so Lent becomes my idle-time scan, to get rid of some of the harmful things in my mind.

I'm not proud of the problems, but I'll say this: I've noticed an improvement already in the atmosphere inside my mind.

Problems in forgiveness

Some things are harder to forgive than others. This year for Lent I worked on "keeping no record of wrong". The little accidental daily wrongs that don't leave much track on our lives, those are easy to forget. Here are the kinds of things I struggled with:

• They knew it was wrong, and what effect it would have, and did it anyway.
• They knew I was having to shoulder extra burdens that should rightfully have been theirs, and they kept on shirking.
• They know they are making a mess that they intend for someone else to clean up, and it doesn't trouble them.
• (In one case) They knew full well they were managing things so badly that the law was already involved, and show no inclination to change.
• (On older wrongs that still come to mind) When an old injury still sometimes causes trouble, it's hard to forget how I got that injury.

The things that are harder to forgive are the things where we don't have to keep a record of wrong -- our lives are marked by that wrong, or our lives are still being shaped by an ongoing wrong. Every day that wrong -- or its after-effect -- is part of our daily routine. The injuries that keep on hurting, or keep being renewed by the wrongdoer, these are the ones that really challenge our love. It's only love that can keep no records of wrong, so I have to think it does not challenge my memory or my determination to forget so much as it challenges my love.

Christ is risen. I have a long, long way to go. But it comforts me that Jesus -- risen indeed! -- still bore nail marks and the mark of a spear wound after his victory over death. Some of the ancient mystics are said to have had the stigmata -- that their union with Christ was so close that the scars of his wounds imprinted on their flesh. I'm not quite sure that I believe that. But it comforts me that Christ himself may bear eternal wounds and yet still loves, and still forgives. He still forgives me.

My God, why have you forsaken me?

My God, my God, why have you forsaken me? - Jesus, on the cross

This year it is an especially urgent, focused question for me. This year, one thing weighs heavily on my mind: How do I offer support to someone who is asking that exact question? Someone I have known for a long time, but has always been skittish about church, has told me why: He blames God for his abuse during his early years at the hands of a vicious and sadistic parent. I will not go into details, but I will say: This is Good Friday, the day we look evil and human brokenness in the face. This grown man -- once a helpless child -- only had one question: Why had God forsaken him? If God protects us, why hadn't God protected him?

I know Jesus was much in the same situation: Innocent, but treated like dirt. Had the hatred of the hateful taken out on him, and blamed on him as if he had somehow caused it. Attacked and beaten without apology by those who thought they had right on their side. And not protected from it by God. Though with Jesus, at least, there was a greater good being accomplished, and for that he consented. As for the rest of us -- I have not heard of a greater good being accomplished by our being mistreated.

Of course this man blames the vicious and sadistic parent first of all. But he also blames his father, who didn't protect him as far as he can tell. And he also blames God, who didn't protect him as far as he can tell. Is it because he was "a worm and not a man", not worth protecting? "Worm" is probably kinder than anything his abuser called him.

For my own part, I have been on the receiving end of serious and intentional harm, too. And that's far from the whole of the evil I've received in this world. So I have struggled with similar questions. I expect many of us have struggled with that question: My God, why have you forsaken me?

I never did find an answer to the question, "Why have you forsaken me?" But I did find a willingness to trust Jesus, and then hope through him. It's because of Jesus that I know that suffering is not a sign that God has no love for us. It's because of Jesus that I know there is hope even after suffering injustice, brutality, and evil like that. And this hope is because of God's goodness.

It is God's goodness that makes it even more difficult to understand the evil around us.

May Jesus be blessed for joining the helpless, the despised, and the powerless. Without him, what hope would there be?

He restores my soul

My soul has often needed restoring. I've known people who have restored homes or furniture. Sometimes I've seen before and after pictures of the differences. The "before" picture generally shows something that is damaged, tired, and dirty. The "after" picture is different. Nothing is broken. Everything is clean. It looks like new.

Behold, I am making all things new. (Revelation 21:5)

That promise is given us many times in the Bible, in different ways. It is a familiar prayer to many of us:

Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a right spirit within me. (Psalm 51:10)

I don't know if that kind of before-and-after picture is in anyone else's mind when reading Psalm 23, but it is mine whenever I hear,

He restores my soul. (Psalm 23:3)

It is a hopeful thing, whenever we see our own souls in sad need of restoring, to think: God makes all things new. And when it is done, it may yet be a thing of beauty.

South City Midnight Lady

Sometimes when I listen to Christian responses to atheist attacks, I think I hear something like fear. If not fear, at least worry. Bear with me while I tell you about a Very Earnest Christian Song and then a song about a drifter and a prostitute, and I'll tell you why I think the worry about the neo-atheists is unnecessary.

The Doobie Brothers were a little bit before my time, but I always did like good music, and I wasn't a "current or nothing" snob; some really good music was written before I was old enough to notice, or even before I was born. The Doobies were a rock band whose members were Christians. Now, compare two of the Doobies' songs: "Jesus is Just Alright" and "South City Midnight Lady". On the surface, "Jesus is Just Alright" is the more Christian song. It's about Jesus. But it's awfully defensive in posture and awfully lukewarm in its witness to Christ (much like some of the current responses to the militant atheists, but I'm getting ahead of myself).

"South City Midnight Lady" is about a drifter and a prostitute. It's also a beautiful and powerful song with a theme of redemption. The song paints a picture of the drifter in the middle of another hopeless night at the end of another hopeless day.

Up all night, I could not sleep
The whiskey that I drank was cheap
With shaking hands I went and I lit up my last cigarette.

He looks over at the hired company for the evening, a prostitute -- and sees that she has fallen asleep. And all the sudden his hopelessness fades away as his heart begins to care for another human being. He has a tender moment that changes everything in his eyes:

I saw you sleepy-dreamin' there all covered and warm.
South City Midnight Lady
I'm much obliged indeed
You sure did save this man whose soul was in need
I thought there was no reason
For all these things I do
But the smile that I sent out returned with you.

I would contend that "South City Midnight Lady" is a more deeply and profoundly Christian song than "Jesus is Just Alright", because Christianity is at its strongest when things are hopeless, and our message for humanity's despair is that God's love is deeper. There is no situation so hopeless as to be beyond redemption.

God has stacked the deck: all good comes from him. So whenever anyone reaches out for good, they are reaching toward God whether they know it or not. God has woven his love into the fabric of all human relationships, woven his goodness into the fabric of the universe. From Satan's viewpoint, even the most desperate and debased of human relationships (like a drifter and a hooker) is in constant danger that someone will succumb to humanity as it was meant to be and actually love each other.

It's like the classic Christian philosophers said: all evil is a corruption of good. The devil is on borrowed territory. All his best weapons are precarious ones, always just an inch away from being redeemed.

I'm not saying I know the future of the new atheists. I'm not saying I know whether religious freedom will last or whether it will be taken away in the blink of an eye. I'm saying there are constants in the world just because God made it, and that one of these is that all good comes from him, therefore he will never be entirely lost or forgotten. And therefore the enemy plays only with borrowed capital, constantly at risk that someone will look up and see the good and see its source.

Bono's Acceptance Speech at the NAACP: Transcript

See the video at the Thinklings, it's much better as video than as transcript. But it's good enough to be quoted, so it needs a transcript. I typed the transcript myself so let me know if you see any corrections that need to be made. I numbered the paragraphs for just one reason: so I could tell you, maybe you can skip paragraph #1 (possibly) without missing too much, but by the time you get to #7 you'll be hearing one of the more stirring Christian speeches of our generation. If you don't have time for the video, you should at least know that the audience gave him an impromptu standing ovation. I've italicized the part that had the audience spring to their feet -- in case it wasn't obvious.

Bono’s Acceptance Speech 2007 NAACP Image Awards
Bono Accepts NAACP Chairman’s Award
March 2, 2007

1. Wow. Shee! Tyra Banks you are gorgeous! I was a finalist in Ireland’s Next Top Model. I look up to you. Literally. You’re beautiful. You’re beautiful too. I of course am so truly humbled to share the stage with the great Julian Bond. Just, wow. Cool customer. I’m also – you know, when people talk about the greatness of America, I just think of the NAACP, that what I think of – it genuinely comes to my head. And I’m also honored to be on the same stage as the other honorees, Sold Out, Bill Cosby, Prince. So cool, so cool.

2. See, I grew up in Ireland, and when I grew up, Ireland was divided along religious lines, sectarian lines. Young people like me were parched for the vision that poured out of pulpits of Black America. And the vision of a Black reverend from Atlanta, a man who refused to hate because he knew love would do a better job. These ideas travel, you know, and they reached me clear as any tune and lodged in my brain like a song, I couldn’t shake that. This is Ireland in the 70’s growing up, people like me looked across the ocean to the NAACP. And I’m here tonight and (?) feels good, feels very very good.

3. Well today the world looks again to the NAACP. We need the community that taught the world about civil rights to teach it something about human rights. Yeah! I’m talking about the right to live like a human, the right to live period. Those are the stakes in Africa right now. Five and a half thousand Africans dying every day of AIDS, a preventable, treatable disease. Nearly a million Africans most of them children dying every year from malaria. Death by mosquito bite. This is not about charity, as you know here in this room. This is about justice, it’s about justice and equality.

4. Now I know that America hasn’t solved all of its problems and I know AIDS is still killing people right here in America, and I know the hardest hit are African-Americans, many of them young women. Today at a church in Oakland, I went to see such extraordinary people with this lioness here, Barbara Lee, took me around and with her pastor J. Alfred Smith – and may I say that it was the poetry and the righteous anger of the Black church that was such an inspiration to me, a very white, almost pink, Irish man growing up in Dublin.

5. This is true religion. True religion will not let us fall asleep in the comfort of our freedom. “Love thy neighbor” is not a piece of advice, it’s a command. And that means in the global village we’re going to have to start loving a whole lot more people, that’s what that means. That’s right. “His truth is marching on.”

6. Two million Americans have signed up to the One campaign to make poverty history. Tonight the NAACP is signing up to work with us, and so can you. “His truth is marching on.” Because where you live should not decide whether you live or whether you die.

7. And to those in the church who still sit in judgment on the AIDS emergency, let me climb into the pulpit for just one moment. Because whatever thoughts we have about God, who He is, or even if God exists, most will agree that God has a special place for the poor. The poor are where God lives. God is in the slums, in the cardboard boxes where the poor play house. God is where the opportunity is lost and lives are shattered. God is with the mother who has infected her child with a virus that will take both their lives. God is under the rubble in the cries we hear during wartime. God, my friends, is with the poor. And God is with us if we are with them.

8. This is not a burden, this is an adventure. Don’t let anyone tell you it cannot be done. We can be the generation that ends extreme poverty.

9. Thank you.

Return good for evil: Forgiveness struggles #2

Last post, I took stock of bitterness and resentment taking root in my life. I asked you all to bear with me, that there was a good purpose to this. As far as rooting out this kind of spiritual poison, Jesus taught some things that, the more I work with them, the more I realize just how practical they are. The first thing is to pray for those who mistreat us. The list of people who get on my nerves is a prayer list. I should pray for them particularly for God's goodness and blessing. I should give thanks for any good in them in particular. I should pray that I have patience and God's Spirit towards them in particular. This probably does more to change my attitude towards them than anything else. Left to my own devices, my "solution" is to grit my teeth at injustice and to hope they see the good in me. Meanwhile I do not see the good in them, and resentment, self-righteousness, and hard-heartedness grow freely. Prayer is the place to start. The second thing is to do for them what I wish they would do for me. It is sometimes difficult to imagine what nice thing I should do for someone who is wronging me -- until I ask myself, "How do I wish they were treating me?" I can easily tell you how I wish they were treating me; that is what I should do for them. That is how to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you" for this situation, and how to return good for evil. So below I run through each of the things that are bothering me and try to see how to repay good for evil, and make it my goal to do these things for the people in question.
What's bothering me	As I would have them do to me
For pouncing on every mistake I make, no matter how small, and overlooking anything I do right, no matter how large or difficult For regularly refusing to be more than coldly polite For often refusing to be even coldly polite Although we need to work with each other to get through the day, being pointedly uncooperative and seeming to delight in making things difficult In sum, for treating me unjustly and with seeming hatred no matter what I do	Make sure to notice when they do something right, and if any mistakes must be noticed, notice them with gentleness Be genuinely warm Be cooperative and delight in making things easier In sum, treat her justly and with kindness no matter what she does
For keeping me at arm's length even though we are family For believing every story told about me without checking whether it is accurate For making all Christian holidays unpleasant by pointed, hostile "indifference"	Be welcoming and open Be slow to believe the worst and quick to believe better Make sure never to treat with indifference, instead making a point of appreciating
For avoiding family occasions For rehearsing stories of every wrong thing I've done even back to elementary school, and in front of other people who do not know first-hand whether the stories as retold are fair or accurate; in effect training certain other people to dislike me and getting in low shots when I am unaware and unable to speak in my own defense	Seek out chances to break the ice Rehearse stories of every good thing they've ever done, back as far as I can remember, and in front of other people
For treating a friend of mine as worthless For encouraging this friend to stay unemployed so that she would be justified in ignoring his thoughts on finances and treating him as worthless For putting him in a no-win situation and then blaming him for losing	It's actually more difficult for me to figure out the reversal when it's not me being wronged. Make sure she knows her worth and find ways to acknowledge her worth in front of her Encourage her to do her best as a show of faith that she has something to offer Try to put her in a situation where she can win; avoid harsh blaming and instead build up shared regret over the bad situation
For belittling me, treating me with contempt, and constantly holding over my head the threat of rejection and abandonment For abandoning me in a hundred little ways before finally and officially abandoning me	Treat with respect Set aside coldness and indifference during times we see each other (e.g. exchanging the kids) Be willing to listen and encourage as needed, setting aside bitterness, not returning hostility for abandonment but instead showing steadfastness and kindness without any thought to whether it is deserved (it rarely is) or whether it is appropriate (it is more appropriate than the alternatives)

Getting on my nerves: Forgiveness struggles #1

Struggles with bitterness and resentment aren't really something we Christians talk about very openly. Speaking for myself, I'm embarrassed to have these struggles and these ugly spots in my heart. All the same, every so often I find myself struggling against resentment and bitterness, especially when dealing with various people who have treated me badly. In keeping with Paul's instructions "Get rid of all bitterness" (etc.) I'd originally planned a spiritual Spring Cleaning for Lent. I have now decided that I'd rather not wait for Lent. Bitterness and anger work against love, and are often temptations to hatred. The sooner I address it, the better. I'll have to ask you all to bear with me on this post. It's awfully forthright. It does not exactly show me in the best light, but I decided to post it in the hopes that other people might recognize their own struggles. The list below is not meant to justify my anger; it is simply meant to locate the problem. The next post on the subject will be more edifying, but this one has to come first: tracing down the various roots of bitterness and resentment, and being forthright with myself about the things that I need to address. I'd originally made this list for my own private use by name of each person who has been getting on my nerves. I'm omitting the names in this published version. At first I hesitated to even acknowledge the various resentments that were growing inside me because I wasn't sure what good it would accomplish. I'll show the advantage of making such a list in my next post. It turns out to have been a real help to be specific about not only who was getting on my nerves, but also what, exactly, was bothering me. For now, I just identify resentments: where I struggle with forgiveness and love.
Who's bothering me	What's bothering me
Anonmyous #1	For pouncing on every mistake I make, no matter how small, and overlooking anything I do right, no matter how large or difficult For regularly refusing to be more than coldly polite For often refusing to be even coldly polite Although we need to work with each other to get through the day, being pointedly uncooperative and seeming to delight in making things difficult In sum, for treating me unjustly and with seeming hatred no matter what I do
Anonmyous #2	For keeping me at arm's length even though we are family For believing every story told about me without checking whether it is accurate For making all Christian holidays unpleasant by pointed, hostile "indifference"
Anonmyous #3	For avoiding family occasions For rehearsing stories of every wrong thing I've done even back to elementary school, and in front of other people who do not know first-hand whether the stories as retold are fair or accurate; in effect training certain other people to dislike me and getting in low shots when I am unaware and unable to speak in my own defense
Anonmyous #4	For treating a friend of mine as worthless For encouraging this friend to stay unemployed so that she would be justified in ignoring his thoughts on finances and treating him as worthless For putting him in a no-win situation and then blaming him for losing
And just for good measure, Anonmyous #5 -- some older stuff that still bothers me sometimes	For belittling me, treating me with contempt, and constantly holding over my head the threat of rejection and abandonment For abandoning me in a hundred little ways before finally and officially abandoning me
In the next post: what good can possibly come from opening that can of worms.

The Ghost of Christmas Present: On wrongs done in the name of Christ

"Forgive me if I am wrong. It has been done in your name, or at least in that of your family," said Scrooge.

"There are some upon this earth of yours," returned the Spirit, "who lay claim to know us, and who do their deeds of passion, pride, ill-will, hatred, envy, bigotry, and selfishness in our name, who are as strange to us and all our kith and kin, as if they had never lived. Remember that, and charge their doings on themselves, not us."

Charles Dickens, A Christmas Carol, The Second of the Three Spirits

Feminist theology and social justice priorities

This continues a series on what I hope is constructive criticism for feminist theology. By now I'm eager to move along to more edifying subjects, and have only two posts remaining (this and one more, as I start typing the current post).

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I think one of the more obvious ways in which feminist theology has neglected the concerns of average women has been in the area of priorities. Given that social justice is a concern, is the ordination and promotion of women really the highest priority among theological issues? I'm not saying that to discourage conversation on that subject; it's a topic of the day and let's have the conversation. Instead, I mention priorities by way of a perspective-check.

Social Justice Top Priority: Commitment to Marriage
Let's talk about social justice. One of the leading causes of poverty in this nation -- surely a social justice issue -- is single motherhood. I expect that working marriages would do far more to reduce poverty than increasing the minimum wage. Yet people see the minimum wage as a worthwhile social justice issue, but do not see strengthening the family as a social justice issue. However, it is a social justice issue.

I think we sweep problems like that under the rug because they are messy and embarrassing. It sounds much nicer to talk about whether we have enough women who are pastors and bishops. But in the meantime we have too many women who are living in poverty because their boyfriends pressured them into sex and then abandoned them when they wouldn't have an abortion, or whose husbands walked out rather than invest the work needed to sustain a marriage. The good we do in the average woman's life -- and child's life -- by creating a two-parent, stable, just and merciful Christian home far outweighs the good done to that same woman by having a woman bishop who won't address those concerns either. Home life is sometimes dirty and ugly; Christianity is at its strongest with love, redemption, justice, and mercy. But these things don't happen by themselves. What happens by itself, in our hearts and lives, is increasing sin, dismay, and disorder. The spiritual neglect of a home long-untended makes itself felt in too many lives. The leaders have to lead and make points of these things with their people.

Social Justice Priority: No Pressure to Abort
How many pastors use abortion as an example of evil in our culture? Now, how many of those pastors actually say, from the pulpit, that a man should never ask his wife or girlfriend to abort their child? They also say that, these days, one of the leading causes of death in pregnant women is being attacked by the father of the child. Have we mentioned to our people that these are horrific things, that a man should never attack his wife or girlfriend with the intent to induce a miscarriage? A friend of mine from church is raising a profoundly retarded and disabled child because her husband attacked her while she was pregnant. Rather than inducing a miscarriage, he induced a very premature delivery. It may seem too horrific to say or consider, but it happens around us, and even in our churches, because we are sinners too. Just as "do not murder" and "do not commit adultery" are obvious but are written in the Ten Commandments all the same, we need church leaders who are willing to address the obvious and ugly problems around us.

Social Justice Priority: Justice and Mercy in Courtship
Dating is often an exercise in the man trying to press the woman as far as she will go towards sexual intercourse. I'll take the traditional women's complaints against the men first, then look at the other side of the coin.

When it comes to pre-marital sex, even men who are Christians often show no signs of self-restraint, placing the burden of guilt or pressure of rejection on the woman. Teaching men to be self-controlled, to hold themselves accountable for how far they go, would greatly ease the burden on women. When was the last time anyone heard church leaders address that it is wrong to use high-pressure tactics, to use emotional blackmail, or to take advantage of emotional insecurity in order to gain sexual concessions? The next generation approaching puberty includes my own daughter. I can explain all this to her, but it would help if I had the church's support. For a Christian man it should be unconscionable to make an inappropriate advance in the first place. We need to re-set our expectations there.

Enough picking on the men, though. Women also must be taught those same standards of accountability, responsibility, kindness and justice. Not only are women perfectly capable of pressuring men unduly, there is also the temptation to blame it on the man, which may seem plausible because of traditional expectations. Christian women should know that it is ungodly to take advantage of men, and that it is especially repugnant to blame men for our own moral shortcomings. Blaming other people for our own faults is the height of injustice. It kills love, rejects mercy, and ignores kindness. It stunts spiritual growth, cutting us off from repentance and forgiveness. I hope it doesn't seem strange to you that I hold women accountable and hope other women will take the lead in holding ourselves accountable. Both egalitarians and complementarians will notice that Paul's instructions to Titus to have older women teaching younger women about the realitiies of building loving families. It seems odd, if not worse, that the one area on which complementarians and egalitarians should have full agreement is the one thing that I can't see either camp doing.

Quality of Life and Quality of Culture: Peace with Men
Strife between men and women is nothing new. Peace between men and women, and goodwill, is a worthy goal. But a certain strain of feminism tries to score political points by grievance-mongering. I'm not saying there are never grievances, I'm saying the approach being used is sometimes more likely to aggravate the grievances than resolve them. In this way, the feminist movement has at times had a negative effect on male/female relations. If the Christian feminists or Christian feminist theologians are to have a positive impact on this, some more constructive approaches would be welcome.

The Point?
Our Lord called down blessings for the peacemakers, for the merciful, for those who longed for righteousness, and for the pure in heart. All of Christ's brothers and sisters are called to be channels of blessing in the world. When feminist theology is genuinely Christ-like, it promises to be a blessing to the world.

The Next Big Church Scandal

This was originally written back when I was group-blogging over at CADRE Comments. But since there's another church scandal brewing, it seemed like a good time to dust it off and re-post it.

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What's the next big church scandal? Money-hungry televangelists taking advantage of the devotion of the poor? Pedophile priests taking advantage of the young? The apocalypse industry? Its syndication in the tabloids? Another big-name preacher succumbs to sexual temptation or to egotism? Christian factions involved in name-calling melee? In-house church politics alienating God-loving members?

Even if they sound familiar, I suspect that none of those will become the next big church scandal. I think there are two huge scandals that we do not see clearly enough. First, that we are not tending our own houses well enough to stop many of these others before they become scandals. We see them coming; where is our outcry? Second, we are not living lives of such active mercy and compassion as to completely dwarf the scandals in comparison.

Wait, but aren't there Christians living lives of mercy and compassion? Sure, and there many of them. Are they notable? Sure, all of them. I don't for a minute want to downplay the vast numbers of those devoted to following Christ. Is that enough? Not yet.

"It is God's will that by doing good you should silence the ignorant talk of foolish men." (1 Peter 2:15) We're not quite there yet. "Live such good lives among the pagans that, even though they accuse you of doing wrong, they may see your good deeds and glorify God on the day he visits us." (1 Peter 2:12) "If any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words when they see the purity and reverence of your lives." (from 1 Peter 3:1-2) A humble Christian with a pure and reverent life may do more good than any number of evangelists and apologists.

Letting people know that there is true reason for hope -- that is our great calling. Right now, the strength of our answers is belied by the weakness of our lives. When Christian devotion to God becomes more obvious to the casual observer than the transgressions of high-profile and low-profile Christians alike, only then is their confidence likely to be restored enough to trust the answers we give.

Teenage Sunday School Starts Genesis 3

Read Genesis 2:8-17 (using it for both a brief review of last week and for an introduction to this week).

1. Is creation good?
   
2. Is God good?

Read Genesis 3:1-7.

1. How did the serpent plant doubt? About what God really said.
   
2. How typical is that, when we want to do something wrong, for us to start there, by asking whether it really says it's wrong? Typical.
   
3. What did the serpent say that made Eve really want the fruit? You'll be like God. (This was a plant for a later question that we wouldn't get to this week because of the surprises the class had for me on some later questions.)
   
4. What the serpent said: true or false? Neither, exactly.
   
5. C.S. Lewis said the most powerful lies are at least partly true. Discuss. Examples taken from stories told to parents about how things got broken, where they really were the other afternoon, etc.
   
6. Is it possible for us to be better than God at something? See below.
   
7. Is it possible to sin without assuming that we are better than God? See below.

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The big surprise this week? One of the kids really wanted to argue that he could be better than God at some things (like fishing ... when Jesus one-upped Peter with the fish he was cheating by using that miracle stuff), and that it was possible to sin without assuming we're better than God (so sin is not really arrogant and foolish). I'd expected those questions to be no-brainers and we would move past those pretty quickly into the next questions.

At first I was amazed at the direction the conversation was going. But then I realized that instead of understanding the serpent's trick, at least one person in the class was openly showing that he had fallen for it on a very deep level. (Don't we all, on some level?)

So that's where we'll pick up next week.

The Reality of Living in a Broken World

After posting about paradise for awhile, I expect that it stands out very clearly that our day-to-day lives are not paradise. We need redemption. But too often we Christians discuss the brokenness of the world in generalities. Are we embarrassed to admit that our own lives and families and neighborhoods are a mess?

So I'd like to start with a quick run-down of people I know, either in my family or neighborhood, and the realities of it all. In this small group I find:

• Two former alcoholics
• One diagnosed psychotic
• One former drug addict
• One high school dropout
• Two people who have been divorced
• Two women who have been raped
• One teenager who started life as a crack baby
• A father who has children by three different women, none of whom he ever married
• An unmarried mother who is a drug addict and, when short of cash, a prostitute
• A girl being raised by her grandmother because her mother somehow cannot manage and her father did not stay around
• A former drug addict recently released from prison, trying to straighten out her life
• A young boy who had his first sexual experience at age seven, courtesy of a more experienced girl who was ten years old

Basically, right around me I find more people who are struggling with life than you could count on your fingers. And that's just family and neighbors I know fairly well.

The point? We all struggle sometimes. Nobody walks through this world and comes out completely clean, untouched by the sin in ourselves or in our loved ones. How in the blazes someone can dream that Christianity is irrelevant is beyond me. How someone can look at such a broken world and think that a clear sense of right and wrong is oppressive rather than liberating, or that redemption after a fall is unneeded -- that kind of fiction is only possible in a world where we put on blinders to the aching realities around us.

So I would just like to offer some encouragement for us along the way. We never need to be ashamed of knowing right from wrong. We never need to wonder whether we are needed, and whether a kind word is helpful, in the middle of that amount of brokenness. We never need to wonder whether redemption and a clean slate and forgiveness for the sake of Christ are really good news. And we never need to pretend that it doesn't touch our own lives, our neighbors and our families and ourselves. When we pretend it doesn't affect us, we lose our effectiveness. We relate to weakness because we've all been there.

Blog Break: Mom Back In Hospital

Hi there

My mother is back in the hospital. It's her heart. Her health is fragile these days. I'll be taking a blog break until she's out. I'd like to hope she'll be out at some point this week but that's really more than I know for sure just now.

Take care & God bless, & see you all around.

Update 4/22/2006
So Mom is out on a weekend pass, more or less. She's back to the hospital next week for at least one, possibly two surgeries. The second one is fairly risky; if we don't get to it next week, then the week after that. Prayers are appreciated. Meanwhile, she's enjoying the weekend.

Update on Mom (personal)

Thanks to all who offered their prayers and encouragement the last two months since my mother went into the hospital. It's possible she may yet be recommended for heart surgery, but she's now well enough that she is allowed to drive short distances again and today is moving back to her own home. I'm still not completely certain that will work out, but she really wants to try and has regained some of her strength, so I will let her try.

In case anyone is taking notes for when they will be letting their own parents move in, here are some things I would pass along:

• New rules: As I mentioned before, we had to make some new rules to keep the peace. The ones that she needed reminding of most frequently: Do not send my children to fetch; also respect their privacy if they don't want to show you their homework or report cards.
• Chores: More loads of laundry, more dishes, need to sweep sooner, mop sooner, vacuum sooner, take out the trash sooner
• Errands: doctor's visits, trips to the pharmacy, little things needed from the store, different favorite foods to have in stock
• The old home: Even though nobody is living there, there is still the matter of mail, bills, newspapers, and general upkeep, unless you're ready to sell the place. Mail forwarding orders were slower to implement, worked far less reliably than I expected, and didn't cover junk mail still delivered to the old mailbox. Mail carrier suggested a stop order might have been more effective; filed away for future reference.
• Money: More groceries, more detergents, more gasoline for the additional errands, more water use, more electricity use
• Household: Needed more plates, more silverware, more drinking cups, more sheets, more towels (unique colors to be sure there's no cross-contamination)
• Air freshener!
• Schedules: One more person's favorite TV shows to work into the routine; respect for children's bedtimes and when the TV has to be off
• Take back the living room! Early on, Mom hadn't thoroughly learned to live with others and we found ourselves avoiding her. But she stayed all waking hours right in the middle of the living room, and everyone else was gravitating towards the bedrooms. So we staged a "take back the living room" campaign in which I insisted that we resume our normal habits and not be displaced, and work out whatever compromises needed to be worked out to make that happen.
• Living space: if this had gone on any longer, we would have been glad for one more comfortable chair in the living room
• Eating: special diets, and one more set of food likes and dislikes to figure into meal plans; a section of the refrigerator and counter space and pantry space for new foods; and at one point when my son and my mother both liked the same type of drink, I was putting colored inventory sticker dots on the cans so they could each have their own and be sure the other wasn't really drinking more than their share (red dots are Stephen's, yellow dots are Grandma's).
• Like having another kid: Just like each of my children, my mother wanted and needed a little bit of my time to call her own each day, just someone to talk to and listen to how her day was
• Unexpected extra help: Just when I would think it was all extra work, she'd turn around and do the dishes for me.

Speaking of living space, my brother put together a little "room" inside my room for my daughter to stay. My room isn't that big to start with, but he made a framework of PVC pipe and Becky picked some curtains for the sides so she could have some privacy or a view as she liked. It just fits her twin mattress plus 2 of my bookshelves (though it makes access to my closet difficult). Lately her patience has been worn out with the tiny room so we've been taking turns, one night she gets my bed and I get her mat in the curtained room, the next night we trade.

So as Mom gets ready to move out, I'm glad my daughter gets her room back. For all that, I'll be glad to have my own room back, and my old workload was enough already thanks. But -- oddly enough -- I'm going to miss my mom. We've never been exactly what you'd call close, but this is the closest we've been.